App's Dear Diary

Index
Look at this picture and tell me what you see. I see how my life must be. What it's become. I'd love if these tacos were carne asada from a food truck. But, sadly I can't do things like that anymore without paying a terrible price. Hopefully again one day. In this photo I see food as a labor of love. I grew those black beans, I picked them in the blazing sun, and undoubtedly shelled them while watching naked and afraid in my recliner this summer. I milked, cooked down and eventually turned them into gluten free shells that hold their shape perfectly . I picked the eggplant from my garden, grew the bell peppers, tomatoes. The salmon sadly wasn't mine...but it was wild caught. The lime....that was from Sandis tree. I picked it on her 6week anniversary of being gone. It was delicious.
Sep 06
September 06, 2023
Headaches with Skyrizi I got my first Skyrizi 8/23. In the last week I've had 3 puking migraine days. Base of skull mostly, but some that spread across front. Taking zofran and smoking a lot to try to help with nausea. Sunday I wretched so much all t
Sep 06
I'm so mad. I don't know how to be strong. It doesn't matter how much therapy I have. I acknowledge I do not accept my diseases. I think when you are sick, you'll get better. So, I hold out hope. Thinking I am going to recover. Because if recovery isn't possible, why would anyone ever choose the other way? Being sick sucks. Being sick every fucking day of your life is nearly impossible to handle. I don't care who you are. I tell myself this is my burden, this is my cross I must bare to get to live this life I've been blessed with. I don't deserve this life and I don't feel I'm doing it justice. I know I need to be brave and face this head on. It's just exhausting. I cry alone in secret everyday. I rally in front of my friends and family as much as I'm able....if anyone could understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. I don't know how others handle it. Maybe I need a support group.
Sep 04
When I pick the Okra Least week picking the okra the devil was there trying to bring me down. He had me thinking I should slit my wrists, just do it fast and go to sleep in the itch rows, that the farmer wouldn't find me until I'd drifted off to sleep. Tonight I'm picking the okra, looking around... thinking what I regularly do. That holy cow, what did I ever do to deserve this. I have been blessed with far more abundance than I deserve. When I have my moments I need to remember that it's just the devil talking. Perspective is everything. Its interesting the things that you think about while picking the okra. Used to be the same when I was milking. Man that was a labourous chore for those 7yrs, but I don't regret them. Maybe again one day.
Aug 21
My final Zeposia
Last night was my final Zeposia dose. I've got my 1st Skyrizi infusion at the big city hospital on Wednesday. My Person is taking me. I insisted to her I didn't need a driver, but she said It's what you do for family, and I replied inner circle to he
Aug 21
If I fixed my head
If I fixed my head, would my body be healed?Is the power of positivity real?Is mind over matter really possible?  My MS is flaired, and I'm down today. The Farmer helped me get spaghetti in the freeze dryer and I went with him to water the sheep. I h
Aug 17
That Sunday in May
6am that Sunday in May, we called my Cousin in Knoxville, I said I'd decided to end my suffering and the farmer was taking me to the hospital, that we needed someone to tend the children. She said she was on her way. I couldn't stop crying. I was so
Aug 16
That Thursday in May...
I am on week 4 day 3 of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD). It sucks. I legit have got a tattoo of a donut on my ankle, your girl likes carbs and has never stuck to a diet in her life! I want to live. Two months ago I didn't, but the person, wi
Aug 16
February 05, 2024
Dear Diary, It's been a while...  I haven't written since November because I just don't have much going on thats worth writing about.  I'm here writing anyways because I'm always wanting to write, its like having a clone of myself to talk t
Feb 05
November 12, 2023
Dear Diary, A pitch black boiling hot shower burning the cuts on my legs with music in the background is heaven to me for some reason.
Nov 12
September 18, 2023
Dear Diary, I feel like I'm waiting for someone who doesn't care about me or want me anymore if they ever really even did to begin with. I'd gotten nonstop reassurance that she was happy and that I was doing everything right but then one day it
Sep 18
July 02, 2023
You tell him you love him but then leave so did you really even love him?  Or did you just love the fact that he gave you affection and attention?  Why did you mentally drain him when you could have just left him alone? He  cared for you an
Jul 02
June 02, 2023
Dear Diary, It's been a while since I've written but to be fair there hasn't been a whole lot of interesting things to write about for the last couple months so I'll give an overall summary of what my life has been for the last 3 months because
Jun 02
April 28, 2023
Dear Diary, I don't know why it's been so much recently, but I just can't get her off my mind all the time. I'm just thinking about her I'm checking social media to see if she posted anything, and I'm hoping she texts me, but I'm also hoping tha
Apr 28
April 22, 2023
Dear Diary, I don't feel lonely in the way I wish I did. Not that I wish to feel lonely but I'd rather just feel alone than have her on my mind all the time. She's in my thoughts, my dreams, anything I do and everywhere I go shes just there. I c
Apr 22
April 11, 2023
Dear Diary, Working this job hurts. Everything from my feet to back is pulsing in pain while I work.  I hate this job but at the very least its a stepping stone to something potentially greater.
Apr 11
March 10, 2023
Dear Diary, I think what I hate most about my life is how lonely it is. When I look down at my phone I see the time and realize hours have gone by but theres no texts from anybody, no friends, family, or anyone else.  I moved out from my fam
Mar 11
February 23, 2023
Dear Diary, Out of nowhere she (my ex) texted me late at night. "I wanted to tell you that I forgive you for everything bad that you did to me. todays the day i finally moved on. good luck in your future [name]." I didn't expect a text from
Feb 23
February 19, 2023
Dear Diary, I been watching a lot of entertainment recently, it keeps me distracted from my own reality.  Under normal circumstances I adore romance in tv shows and movies but after my recent break up everything romantic related just brings
Feb 19
February 18, 2023
Dear Diary, I've heard a few times people think someone committing suicide is a selfish  act because the damage done to those around them, because they're throwing away life and everything anyone has given to them or did for them goes to waste. 
Feb 18
February 18, 2023
Dear Diary, I woke up around 12am tonight in my desk chair, from glancing at my computer screen I saw my alt discord account had a notification. Excitement built but I also knew it could've just been from a server.  To my surprise Van actually
Feb 18
February 16, 2023
Dear Diary, I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of holding myself back from self harm.  I'm tired of being depressed over my break up. I'm tired of failure.  I'm tired of love. I'm tired of emotions.  I'm tired of being nu
Feb 17
February 14, 2023
Dear Diary, Recently on a social platform I changed my profile picture from its normal one. It was never of my real face, simply an animated character. Today I changed it to a picture I found cute, because theres 2 characters in it people often
Feb 14