March 10, 2023

Dear Diary,

I think what I hate most about my life is how lonely it is. When I look down at my phone I see the time and realize hours have gone by but theres no texts from anybody, no friends, family, or anyone else. 

I moved out from my family so I don't see them anymore and I have a couple online friends but one has focused the majority of her attention on her new boyfriend while the other lives in a whole different country so I can't hang out with her either. 

I'll be starting a new job soon but from past experience it seems the majority if not all of them are always my parents age and not that some of them aren't cool but I as a 19 year old don't really wanna go over to a 45 year olds house to do whatever they do. 

During my years growing up I always blamed my loneliness on the fact that I moved schools so often that I never had time to have a long lasting friend and this fact also contributed to my social development early on in my life so I had struggles relating and socializing with other kids my age. 

However after a couple grades of homeschooling my parents did eventually put me back into public school when I was 10 years old and I stayed in that school till I was 15, I had a fun little friend group but once again we moved again and I had to start again at a different school. I stayed alone for the bigger part of those years. When I was younger it wasn't so bad moving from school to school, I just lived in the moment and just accepted the fact that I was going to move soon anyways which helped build a tolerance for the lifestyle. However after spending those 5 years (from age 10-15) in the one school, I lost that mindset and grew uncomfortable in a new setting so when I moved again I couldn't socialize, I couldn't make friends or embrace a new start. 

However in that new school after about a year I met a girl and on the very last day of school I sent her a text and things escalated from there. Covid hit cutting our school year short so I had to take that shot, I walked her to her locked and ended that year on a good note before texting the day after. It was the first time I had a real friend and soon after girlfriend. We ended up dating for a year before things ended after she cheated on me. 

I had a bad high school experience because of that and now that high school is over I have no friends to hang with or text, Lois was all I had and she was gone too. 

I'm an adult, 19 now, I live on my own, I pay my own bills and everything but I'm just so lonely and I feel like there's no excuse for it but I'm still stuck in this situation. 

As much as I love romantic relationships I'm not sure if I want one anymore but I'm so conflicted with it because I don't have a good history with them. Every girl has cheated so I'm afraid it'll happen again but I'm conflicted because I want the companionship, I want the cuddling back, the ability to depend on someone for emotional support, and most of all I want to feel the equal effort from someone in a relationship. I've always given my all, I've always been forgiving, transparent and loyal but never once have I felt that from someone else.

I yearn for a partner in life, despite my age of only 19 I want someone of my maturity, dedication, and will to work past lifes tests. I live in a big house but nobody to fill the other use the other rooms. I often imagine someone does fill that room and its warming thought till the realization that theres nobody in mind for it.

I'm just so tired of being alone, I have been my whole life and I'm not sure how to fix it.