Dear Diary,
It's been a while...
I haven't written since November because I just don't have much going on thats worth writing about.
I'm here writing anyways because I'm always wanting to write, its like having a clone of myself to talk to that understands everything I'm saying as if we're one in the same. I have a few friends at work, Cj, Alex, and maybe one or two more but they aren't me and they can't feel my emotions or whatever has been wrong with me lately so its hard to open up to them. Cj is probably who I'd go to, or maybe Logan but I think I'd cry if I really let it all out and I don't really feel like breaking down in front of them.
Lately I've been so out of... I don't know.
Out of my mind? Honestly sometimes I think I'm losing it. Nothing major has happen but little things here and there that make me question my mental health. That being said as I think while writing this my physical health is probably a key variable too. Things have been tight on money recently and even though I hardly ever stress about finances, these past couple weeks up to now have been hard. It's nobody's fault but my own with the way I was throwing my money away on something nearly useless. If I told anyone what it was, they'd probably call me dumb and to some degree I agree but at the same time investing in something I enjoy is something worth spending it on too right?
The waste of money is on a game. War and strategy based games that I've adored for over a decade now. This games genuinely boost my happiness but they're also my worst addiction. Playing games in itself is harmless but I've wasted thousands of dollars on them over the years, even more in this past year or so.
These games are an infinite money hole, theres no end to how much you can spend, how strong you can become, and no end to the game itself. Even if you maxed out your stats you can always build something more to be stronger than everyone else. I honestly couldn't tell you why I love them so much, I play for hours every single day and 50% to 100% of my bi-weekly check would go straight into the game the same day I get payed.
I've taken breaks, got burnt out, bored of them but I always go back. When I did finally quit, I learned of a new game referred to me by a friend of mine online. He said you didn't even need to spend much to be strong which didn't really turn out to be true. It could never be true because thats just not how these games work. Whenever "pay to win" is an option, some people will always take that route to be stronger than everyone else. That being said, strength is relative so are you really strong as a "free to play" player if all the spenders are abusing money to get even stronger?Is the game really cheaper if you have to keep up with everyone else that is also spending thousands?
So anyways I found this game around December 25th, I was bored just laying around my parents house while I was visiting and decided to give it a try. I ended up spending hundreds if not over a thousand in just a few days to become the strongest in that particular game server. I was planning out in my head which bills I could procrastinate on, which ones I could avoid... Electric first, then car insurance, how much would I need for gas and food...
Here I am present day without car insurance because they dropped me, my electric got shut off too because I hadn't payed it for months prior anyways, and it got so cold I just couldn't stay in that home anymore because I wasted all that money on the game instead. Generally I'd had more self control than that, I always knew my limit and even if I was cutting it close I always made sure to have enough to at least pay my bills. In this case my rent was the only thing I made certain was payed and thats because I didn't want it on my credit report in the future so the next apartment wouldn't deny me for that mistake.
As I said, I couldn't stay there anymore and thankfully just a day after my power got shut off a friend of mine was getting a new place and offered to let me be his roommate. This cuts his living bills in half but lowers mine by 800+ USD which is awesome. He also offered me the month or two to focus on paying off my bills instead of contributing towards rent so I can catch up and get back on my feet. If I truly stick to bills this month I can easily pay them all off because I have no expenses right now.
My rent was 1300$ now its 500$ when I do start paying, and I decided to just stop paying for car insurance because its insanely expensive for me at 425$ a month.
When my general income was 3,000 USD monthly after taxes. Before I was paying:
1,300$ - Rent
755$ - Car Payment
425$ - Car Insurance
150$ - Food
100$ - Phone Bill
100$ - Electric Bill
70$ - Gas
65$ - Credit Cards
35$ - Wifi Bill
20$ - Miscellaneous Costs
Total: 2,955$
Often times I ended up having to sacrifice a little bit of gas money, or something for a better meal before work and some other random purchases just to enjoy life a little bit more. It was a really hard year.
Now my income is 4,000 after taxes.
755$ - Car Payment
500$ - 600$ Rent
180$ - Food (or less)
100$ - Phone Bill
70$ - Gas
35$ - Wifi
Total: 1,700 USD.
My bills have been cut in half and my income has gone up by 1,000+.
Life will be so much easier after this month if I can just manage to pay off the 3.2k Bills I have total. to pay off,
Which is mostly just my car payments and a couple credit cards.