February 18, 2023


Dear Diary,

I woke up around 12am tonight in my desk chair, from glancing at my computer screen I saw my alt discord account had a notification. Excitement built but I also knew it could've just been from a server. 

To my surprise Van actually did message me on it. The question "why?" suddenly overwhelmed the excitement I had. I didn't know till now that she had realized she was still friends with my alt account so the question "did she message it just to test if I was active on it or not?" is what I'm wondering now. The message wrote: "i made a new keyboard today, it has little kittens on it, so cute". Maybe she finds comfort in finding a way to talk to me without breaking her own boundaries or again maybe its just a test to see if I've been watching her socials still. I don't know. I don't think I'm gonna respond anyways. If she wanted to directly talk to me, we're still friends on other platforms so she's very capable of telling me in a way that she'd know I'd see it. 

Clearly I am if I saw the message, not that she can see that I saw it and also my status says offline so it'll never show her if I'm actually active on it or not. 
I'm active on it because I can still see her status, I can still see when she's active and I guess maybe that looks excessive but I've had a hard time letting her go so I've tried to stay connected from a distance. I still check her social platforms, to see if anythings changed, if theres someone new in her life, and stuff like that. 

Its been 6 weeks but it still hurts, I still think about her everyday, I still imagine how different things could've been between us and wished we were still together. She broke us off so maybe its better that we arent together anymore if she can't be happy enough to stay with me.