April 22, 2023


Dear Diary,

I don't feel lonely in the way I wish I did. Not that I wish to feel lonely but I'd rather just feel alone than have her on my mind all the time. She's in my thoughts, my dreams, anything I do and everywhere I go shes just there. I can't do the things on my own that we used to do together because its just not the same, I can't do them without her being on my mind but I have nothing else to do. 

All I do these days is sleep, work and during both she's there destroying my sanity. She knows this, she knew this and still asked to be friends not too long ago and later followed by once again just leaving me as if I never mattered to her. 

This was my second major break up, I told them how it made me feel when they left me, I told them the pain I went through and how their actions affected me but they can't ever understand it. They both said I painted them out to be a monster despite it not being my intention, I spoke only my feelings, how I saw things, and what I wished went differently. How is it my fault that they see it that way? I think if anything, it only supports the fact that they are monsters when they interpret it that way themselves. 

I'm so sick of heartbreak but love is all I crave and searching for the right one has the worst consequences. Everything else in the world could be crashing down, my entire life could be falling apart, and I could be on my deathbed but all that would ever matter to me is that the love of my life is there with me. 

Everytime I fall in love, I give it everything I have and everytime they leave I'm left with nothing. The logical thing to do would be to just wait a long time before giving in to someone else but I don't wanna wait 5 years from now because what if 4 of those years could've been filled with happiness because I found someone within a year. I also don't want to be loveless for 5 years, 3, or even a year. I thrive when I'm loved, I'm happy, and content when I'm loved but it never works out.