Cyclamen🌸's Dear Diary

Last Saturday, my close friend and I stayed the night together, and on Sunday morning we both planned to run together. early in the morning we both got up at 05.30, and we immediately rushed to get ready to run, and at 6.30 we both left. when we got

Dear Diary,I don't know where to start from, but there is a question that I want it to be answered, What will happen at the end? I just want to skip to the last chapter of my life to see what will happen. I don't belong to my family, every time we ga

Dear Diary, Things have been weird lately. I've been ok. Really. But I can't help feeling strange. Everything feels strange. I almost cringe at everything. I cringe at myself.  Suddenly I want attention from people. I used to hate it but why

Dear Diary, So about my birthday... i can't believe it's almost finished. I literally did nothing today. Just scrolled down social medias. I wish there was something to be memorable of. a good memory. But at the end of the day all I have is the

Dear Diary, Few minutes before my birthday. It doesn't feel right. I'm getting one year older. It all happened in a blink of an eye. How does time pass so quickly? Memories are breaking into my mind like a river erosion.  It doesn't real

Disappointment. This is what I can describe. Upset fulness. This is what I feel. Anger. This is what I see.  "I don't care" this is what i say.  Imagine having a friend who you loved more than anything. Imagine him betraying you. imagine him blam

Dear Diary, What to say? What to complain about? I'm just a immature soul who doesn't know how to accept things. I take a lot of things personally which usually people don't. I don't tell anyone about it but I get hurt. I just keep it in. They h

Dear Diary, Expecting is the worst thing you can do. Expectation destroys everything. That's why today I'm so hopeless yet I want to hope for something better but "expectation hurts" specially from people.  I don't really expect anything from t

Dear Diary, Reality hurts you know?  Have you ever been in a position where daydreaming is the only thing you can do? Feels so good! It's like your lost in a little rush of euphoria. You're smiling, you're laughing-thinking of those fake scenarios

Dear Diary, I was feeling better for a few days.. but today suddenly, All of a sudden I felt so tired like the world has drained me everything every energy I had.  All of a sudden I feel so tired. Tired of everything,sick of everything. At the sam

I’m logging this because it’s probably the worst I’ve physically felt. I got my 2nd covid vaccine today (mandatory if I want to keep my job) and I had to binge and purge still. I had to because someone at work bought us all dinner. So if I was going

“Food is my enemy” “What nourishes me destroys me” “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” “You deserve nothing for eating that” “You were weak, you failed” “Everyone thinks I’m fat” “Everyone thinks I’m disgusting” “I just want to be thin, I n

"how it changed my life forever...I know I should know better" oh God those lyrics are so true. Since February, I started with bulimia/anorexia. I look at pics of myself before then and can hardly recognize myself, don't feel like that was me, it's a

My hair has been falling out. It's dry, brittle, and when I run my fingers through it, about a couple finger widths of clumps of strands come out each time. I did eat a lot without purging a few times since I last posted in this diary and gained over

I haven’t been able to throw up good for 2 days now (3 times) and it’s so frustrating. All that comes up is mostly water. I’m not even drinking that much intentionally and still just mainly water. Yesterday I ate half a tomato then a bunch of junk: b

Bulimia is not drug addiction. This gets me so angry when people are treating me or other bulimics like a drug addict. Now I know how addicts must feel when they’re blamed for their disorder and shunned and told there’s no help since you’re doing thi

So my plan to not binge/purge for 3 days already failed. I had to run in the grocery store last nite for a couple things and ended up getting food to throw up. And then today I got out of work 3 hours early so stopped for food. I guess I’ll be doing

I just wanted to document how I feel physically because I write so much about the emotional part of bulimia. I feel physically tired, heavy and drained. Like my muscles feel like lead or like they’re tied down and to move I’m dragging chains like the

It’s been a while. Not much new has happened. I have 5 days off in a row from work soon. I already planned in my head how it will be. Grocery shop the first day and fill up the cart. Pizza, cake, waffles, etc. I want only the first 2 days off to be b

My body hurts. But I’m only 95.5 lbs. that’s not that thin when people with eating disorders get down to 60 lbs and less. I need to suck it up and keep losing weight. I just keep getting headaches and feeling lightheaded. Yesterday was a good day

I wish I was anorexic and not bulimic. For many reasons but one is how other people perceive anorexia vs bulimia. After I lost weight rapidly, people were kind to me. They told me “we care about you”. They wanted to help me. I told one person

I’m not sure that I can do this anymore. Every day is a struggle that is so pathetic. To eat or not to eat. I’m having trouble dealing with this. For breakfast I ate broth and made myself a salad with spinach, 2 baby carrots and 7 string beans wi

I ended up restricting food well yesterday. No binge/purge. I ate half a cup of beef broth (20 calories), a green powder mix (25 calories), and a piece of vegan cheese (60 calories). Besides my vitamins and water, that’s all I had. I like it this way

I’m going to be graphic and describe what bulimia is really like. If I eat a bowl of fruit, or something “too much/full feeling” I’ll throw up 1-3 times as needed to get it out. But when I binge, I can spend an hour vomiting and that can be 3

My bulimia (if that’s what it is) has evolved since I started in February. Now I have huge binges and I’ve spent almost 2 hours just throwing up since the amount I ate was so great. I determine if I have more to throw up by how I feel and how my stom