I ended up restricting food well yesterday. No binge/purge. I ate half a cup of beef broth (20 calories), a green powder mix (25 calories), and a piece of vegan cheese (60 calories). Besides my vitamins and water, that’s all I had. I like it this way. I’ll tell myself it’s ok to binge/purge so I feel like I can do it if I need to but don’t have to maybe. I went grocery shopping and stocked up on food and it’s here if I need it.
The scale went down. I weigh 97.2 lbs now. As soon as I drink it’ll go up to 98 or 99 lbs but I’m hoping I can stay under 100. I feel like an empty shell and I want to see all of my bones.
Do I have a disease or is this my choice??
I’m looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I just need to get out of my own head. At work I focus on other people and they’re the priority. At home I just think about food, losing weight, my sick dog and worry about my mom.
I’m tired today and it’s cold. I’m still under the blankets. My cat is laying beside me and my dog is waiting.
I watched “the morning after I killed myself” on YouTube again last nite. It really helps me to not think about wanting to die.