My body hurts. But I’m only 95.5 lbs. that’s not that thin when people with eating disorders get down to 60 lbs and less. I need to suck it up and keep losing weight. I just keep getting headaches and feeling lightheaded.
Yesterday was a good day as far as eating goes. I had broth (35 calories) and coffee (20 calories) for breakfast. I ate some strawberries (50 calories) for lunch which I usually never eat because strawberries can slow down the metabolism but this was the first time I’ve eaten them in over a year. I tried to throw them up but I wasn’t getting them out but I allowed them to stay down. I also had a tiny bit of kale. Then dinner I had spinach, cauliflower and meatloaf but I threw up most of the meatloaf. And then I had a cup of red current tea.
Today I don’t need to overeat either. Mostly the throwing up after my binges was getting so tiring. I’m glad to have this break from it and hope it can last long. It would be nice if I could not binge/purge for a whole week even maybe. I still throw up small foods but that’s nothing compared with when I overeat. I can just throw up 1-3 times when it’s something smaller like the meatloaf.
Anyway work has been some struggles. I started to cut myself at home, I’m not sure exactly why. I think I felt like I had to punish myself I guess. I just wanted to cut up my whole arm. I have to be careful now though and only cut my stomach and legs because a coworker saw part of my cuts on my arm and said they’re from a razor blade even though I kept saying my cat did it. It’s hard not to roll up sleeves at work at least part way. She didn’t end up judging me bad like I thought though and said I could hang out with her sometime. I want to but I feel like I’d just be bothering her. And I need to buy clothes that fit me too. I look homeless when I put on my jeans that are way too big and falling off me.
I haven’t been out with friends in so long. I really must seem so toxic or different to be around I’m sure no one wants to be around me. I’ve been running at a park but with the nice weather a lot of people are there now. I feel so self conscious since it’s warm out and I run in a t-shirt. I cover up my arm with bandages but I mean I’m self conscious about my body. I must look weird. To me I look like a mix of huge fat with some bones showing though. I looks so strange. If I was all thin or all fat then I’d look regular but I look fat but why do I have bones showing that’s what makes me look weird.
Anyway I’m still in bed. I took Tylenol for my headache and my back has been hurting. I’d like to curl up and sleep more but I should get up and jog before the park is crowded. I wish it was cold out so I can hide under sweatshirts and a heavy coat and look normal.