I’m not sure that I can do this anymore. Every day is a struggle that is so pathetic. To eat or not to eat. I’m having trouble dealing with this.
For breakfast I ate broth and made myself a salad with spinach, 2 baby carrots and 7 string beans with 40 calorie dressing. I want to throw this up. It was too much. I should have just stuck with only broth. I feel fatter. I want to just go ahead and binge and throw up. But the last few days I’ve had large binges with long purging and wanted to give myself a break. It’s hard to describe how it physically feels but my throat/esophagus feels tired and worn and achy. I had strained a lot when I was vomiting the last time because for some reason it was hard getting the food out. I had eaten pasta, soup, a huge muffin, cookies and little cakes and usually pasta isn’t too hard to get out but last time was.
My one friend who knows about this has said to me “you know this will kill you”. I actually think about dying from this. I imagine my funeral mass and think about what the music or Bible verses will be. I think about my mom being sad but taking care of my dog. Work will wonder where I am when I don’t show up and call my mom after I don’t answer my cell. And my friends will text me but get no replies. I don’t have much family left but I wonder if my best cousins would come to my funeral. But I feel detached from everything and all emotions. Like I’m watching myself on the outside but it’s not really me.
I am not going to try to get help. I was thinking about it. But then at work I witnessed a psychiatrist I had respected and thought was good at his job, do such a bad consult with a patient. He actually mocked and laughed at her while standing in front of her. I thought it was repulsive. I don’t know where I’d get help anyway. Who could help me? It’s my choice, no one can get in my head and change how I feel and stop me from not eating right or throwing up.