May 06, 2021

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I’m not sure that I can do this anymore. Every day is a struggle that is so pathetic. To eat or not to eat. I’m having trouble dealing with this.


For breakfast I ate broth and made myself a salad with spinach, 2 baby carrots and 7 string beans with 40 calorie dressing. I want to throw this up. It was too much. I should have just stuck with only broth. I feel fatter. I want to just go ahead and binge and throw up. But the last few days I’ve had large binges with long purging and wanted to give myself a break. It’s hard to describe how it physically feels but my throat/esophagus feels tired and worn and achy. I had strained a lot when I was vomiting the last time because for some reason it was hard getting the food out. I had eaten pasta, soup, a huge muffin, cookies and little cakes and usually pasta isn’t too hard to get out but last time was. 


My one friend who knows about this has said to me “you know this will kill you”. I actually think about dying from this. I imagine my funeral mass and think about what the music or Bible verses will be. I think about my mom being sad but taking care of my dog. Work will wonder where I am when I don’t show up and call my mom after I don’t answer my cell. And my friends will text me but get no replies. I don’t have much family left but I wonder if my best cousins would come to my funeral. But I feel detached from everything and all emotions. Like I’m watching myself on the outside but it’s not really me. 


I am not going to try to get help. I was thinking about it. But then at work I witnessed a psychiatrist I had respected and thought was good at his job, do such a bad consult with a patient. He actually mocked and laughed at her while standing in front of her. I thought it was repulsive. I don’t know where I’d get help anyway. Who could help me? It’s my choice, no one can get in my head and change how I feel and stop me from not eating right or throwing up. 



I
iwishiwaspretty✓
May 6, 2021 · 37 views

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gMay 6, 2021

Hey, growing up I had once hated myself after someone pointed out that I was more fat than her,it was 3 years ago but I still remember the words and it hurts me everytime. Then I pondered really hard what is the fascination with a perfect body between humans. And do I need to be a certain way in order for someone to love me? Later I realized nope , that is not the case. Whatever I do , whatever I become people will always find faults in me, even if I have a perfect body they'll try to find imperfections in my personality,career,how much money I have,what social status I belong to. In short , whatever you do there is always a group of people ready to shut you down. If you really wanna change yourself , you better not listen to people rather than do it for your own self. Ask yourself why do you lose weight? Is it just because for others or you really wanna become healthy? If you found your answer and still wanna help your own self, then the next step will be eat the elephant. And how do you eat an elephant? You take a small a bite one by one and finish them. Your weight loss journey is like that elephant. Take a small step everyday,write down your goals and repeat. Ofc there are drawbacks in life where you just wanna binge. But sweetheart, you gotta learn to restrain yourself. Sometimes there'll be no people to restrain but you gotta do it by yourself thinking about the future. Ask yourself then , do you really wanna stop there and cry after binging? About the weight loss , honey don't you ever binge and throw up! That is extremely harmful for your health, if you don't believe me you can check the researches on that. Not only does it damage your throat but also if you keep doing that you might end up in a hospital. It's okay to ask for help dear, your family should always come in first place. And if you find no one, you gotta stand up for your ownself. I was once in your shoes , I didn't feel good about myself , but then slowly everyday I made a step and got healthier. There were times where I lost 1 kg in 1 day but but I almost passed out due to that, you have to start small and keep at it. Lastly the pain you feel will eventually be gone if you keep grinding, don't lose hope. There are hundereds of people trying to fight this massive war. I have a song recommendation as well "Orange juice" by melanie martinez. You're pretty to me cause you have potential to do what you intend to do and I know you're gonna make it. You have a wonderful heart,blessings.

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