“Food is my enemy”
“What nourishes me destroys me”
“Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”
“You deserve nothing for eating that”
“You were weak, you failed”
“Everyone thinks I’m fat”
“Everyone thinks I’m disgusting”
“I just want to be thin, I need to be thin, I need to lose weight”
Those are the thoughts that go through my mind over and over. They control me.
My weight goes up and down depending on how well I purge after I eat. Yesterday I did great. Today I can’t get much up. So I hate myself more today.
No food is worth this. I don’t think one bite is worth how gross I feel after I eat and how I can gain weight.
I’ll take a bunch of laxatives to try and make up for not being able to throw up good but it won’t really work, it’s just the only thing I can do. Besides take synthroid but I’m trying not to. I don’t think that works either anyway although it should.
I spend so much time on throwing up and my body is soooo fat, I have nothing gained (except weight) for all the hard work I do to get this food out of me. It’s not worth eating.