August 15, 2021

"how it changed my life forever...I know I should know better" oh God those lyrics are so true. Since February, I started with bulimia/anorexia. I look at pics of myself before then and can hardly recognize myself, don't feel like that was me, it's a weird feeling, like a smiling stranger is in those pics, and I wonder at those pics "was I really happy?" because I can't feel it now.

Every recent pic of me looks painful...my brittle hair, dark circles under my eyes, pale and gaunt face, smiling lips that are dry, and my eyes look sad. But I look at my body and face in real time, and am disgusted, I need to be thin and it's so comforting to have this eating disorder take over my life...something is stressful? That's ok, I will count my calories and feel strong when I eat under 250 for the day. Something is bothering me? That's ok I will exercise more and count how many calories I'm burning off. Instead of crying? It's ok, I will eat and purge. There's a feeling of self validation when I step on the scale and it isn't as high as I expected or if I lost a pound.