It’s been a while. Not much new has happened. I have 5 days off in a row from work soon. I already planned in my head how it will be. Grocery shop the first day and fill up the cart. Pizza, cake, waffles, etc. I want only the first 2 days off to be binge/purge days, then fast for 3 days. I noticed I’ll gain weight when I binge/purge or just be bloated afterwards. I probably don’t do it like other bulimics but my way is to eat everything until I’m literally wishing to die from stomach pain and not thinking or feeling anything else. I look pregnant with bony arms. Then I start throwing up. Other bulimics I think they will eat some and throw up, then eat some more and throw up etc. So I’m sure my way absorbs more fat and calories. Maybe I’ll change my way so I can lose weight faster instead of go up and down just go down.
I don’t have friends left anywhere. I wonder how they are and what’s new with them. But I’m so self absorbed it’s disgusting. I never thought bulimia would feel this way. I thought “I’ll just throw up food to lose weight”. It is not even remotely close to that. It’s changed me and I know I’ve said it before that I wanted to change but I wanted to for the better. Bulimia has caused me to disappear but instead of something good in my place it’s something sick and alone.