May 15, 2021

I wish I was anorexic and not bulimic. For many reasons but one is how other people perceive anorexia vs bulimia.

After I lost weight rapidly, people were kind to me. They told me “we care about you”. They wanted to help me.

I told one person at work, who I had wrongly trusted as a friend, that I threw up what I ate. She told others who told others, etc.

Now people ignore me. Or they mock me. I was told 2 days ago to KILL MYSELF in private by someone who I also thought had been my friend. That hurt me so much. It’s very hard for me to cry but I came close. 

Is anorexia so precious and deserving of support, but bulimia so repulsive and undeserving? Actually I feel that way so I guess it’s not surprising others would too. But I don’t know why anorexia is seen as a “real mental health problem” but bulimia is seen as something that can be controlled. I can’t stop this. No one can. A professional can force an NG tube in an anorexic but they can’t stop a bulimic from eating and throwing up unless they physically restrained them or locked them up. 

I am hopeless. My throat is so raw from my throwing up the last 5 nites in a row. I couldn’t even say how many times but I was throwing up for over an hour each nite. I didn’t really enjoy what I ate since I ate so fast and got full fast nothing was enjoyed anyway. I always ask myself then why did I want to eat it? But I don’t have the answer.

I’m just tired of people who think their crap doesn’t stink also. We ALL have problems or something evil and disgusting about us. Or maybe I just say that so I feel better about myself.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m going down fast. Like spiraling down. And I’m not in control really even though I feel control when I throw up.

I want to die. Before I die I want to quit my job and move somewhere else that’s alone and quiet and just die there with no one around. I dreamed I was dying and then died. I watched it happen I was just standing over myself watching myself die. I really don’t need to do anything to kill myself because I think bulimia will kill me and I’m not worried at all. I don’t care how long it takes but at the rate I throw up I just don’t see this as taking that long.