August 14, 2021
My hair has been falling out. It's dry, brittle, and when I run my fingers through it, about a couple finger widths of clumps of strands come out each time. I did eat a lot without purging a few times since I last posted in this diary and gained over 5 lbs, but I continue to use laxatives and synthroid (medicine that speeds up your thyroid/metabolism). I try to stop. I watch eating disorder movies online to trigger myself though, and it's like half of me wants to try but the other half doesn't and that's the half that's winning. Most of the time I want to starve myself. When I feel stress I want to eat and throw up. I must sound like a broken record though to anyone who would listen, but in my mind the thoughts to eat or not to get don't get old. Weeks and months have gone by and I don't know how to explain it, but it just doesn't feel like I had any life before these thoughts. I can understand why people call their anorexia or bulimia names like Ana or Mia because the thoughts are like a friend, where they're comforting and a kind of identity.
Courage -Superchick
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day
I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day
You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)
I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day
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