I’m going to be graphic and describe what bulimia is really like.
If I eat a bowl of fruit, or something “too much/full feeling” I’ll throw up 1-3 times as needed to get it out.
But when I binge, I can spend an hour vomiting and that can be 30-50 times in a row. After I vomit I’ll step on the scale. Then get off the scale and vomit again. Then get on the scale. I’ll lose a couple ounces each time I vomit. Maybe 4 ounces. I won’t stop until it’s 1-2 lbs less. And each time I throw up, I can tell what it is by taste and sight. Chocolate is the hardest to get up. Raw carrots are the grossest to feel. Bread and cakes are the easiest for me. I make sure I see everything come up that I’ve eaten.
The eating part is disgusting also. I’ll eat a meal, maybe chicken or pasta, with lettuce. Lettuce can be easily seen after I throw up and I eat it first because I know when I see it that I made good progress to get enough out. After I eat the meal I’ll eat some cookies then go to the food I hide. Cupcakes, pop tarts, lemon cakes, ding dongs, bagels, Oreo cookies, anything really except chocolate. I’ll eat fast. I don’t even feel hungry or enjoy what I’m eating. I try to eat more but then I can’t I’m so full. My stomach will be distended.
So I’ll go in the bathroom and use my toothbrush to throw up. I don’t realize how much time is really going by until I check. It always surprises me that it doesn’t end until almost an hour.
Afterwards, I rinse my mouth with water. I clean my toilet and my toothbrush. I eat 2 tums or other antacids to try to help my esophagus. I brush my teeth and use mouthwash.
I feel very numb and disconnected to it after. While I’m throwing up, I feel control. When I think about what I do I feel shame and disgust.
I was caught at work by my manager. She was looking for me to tell me something and heard me in the bathroom even though I was running the sink. She asked if I had a problem. I said I do make myself throw up. She offered me a number for help but immediately I said no. I felt really scared. Now I wish I could ask for the number, I don’t know if I’d call though. I don’t go back to work until Monday but I don’t think anyone will notice because I think my manager believes I don’t really do this much or am this bulimic.
But it’s weird walking around so many people with my secret and not one person really knows except me. They’ve stopped commenting about my weight loss. They’ve seen me eat. So as long as I’m eating I must be ok. Only one person said I look sick.
As far as this harming my body. Of course I don’t want my esophagus to be eroded or my teeth rotted. But more seriously, bulimia kills even if the person doesn’t feel sick or isn’t underweight. It can kill from an electrolyte imbalance. I need to be thin. I need to control what goes in and out of me. So the risks are worth it. Maybe I won’t feel that way when it happens if I’m aware of it happening. I’d be scared and think “I don’t really want to die or have serious consequences”. But I can’t stop and I don’t want to stop.
It’s my weekend off work. I’m going to go for a jog this morning. Then eat 1/2 cup of beef broth and have a powdered vegetable mix dissolved in water with apple cider vinegar, and my fiber pills and other vitamins. Then I’ll walk the dog and stop at the grocery store for more food. Then watch something on tv. I’ll probably binge and throw up again tonite. I stopped telling myself “don’t do this” because I can’t seem to help it so I just accept it if I need to.
I like baking. I made peanut butter squares for work. I love sharing food and seeing other people eat normally whenever and whatever they want and not worrying about getting fat. I wish I was normal. I like to work overtime days just to give myself a break from being obsessed with thinking about food and bulimia and how I’m not even me I’m just bulimia that’s all that defines me.