2020's Dear Diary

Index
June 08, 2023
- Okay. Better font. Hm. Trying to stay engaged at work. Can’t wait for a car battery and then bed
Jun 08
April 01, 2021
Dear Diary, Marc doesn't want anymore kids but he is always talking about keeping his blood line going. I am not having kids when I am an old fart. He had agreed he didn't want to be old and watch his kids graduate. He is bi polar and I am sick of it
Apr 02
Look at this picture and tell me what you see. I see how my life must be. What it's become. I'd love if these tacos were carne asada from a food truck. But, sadly I can't do things like that anymore without paying a terrible price. Hopefully again one day. In this photo I see food as a labor of love. I grew those black beans, I picked them in the blazing sun, and undoubtedly shelled them while watching naked and afraid in my recliner this summer. I milked, cooked down and eventually turned them into gluten free shells that hold their shape perfectly . I picked the eggplant from my garden, grew the bell peppers, tomatoes. The salmon sadly wasn't mine...but it was wild caught. The lime....that was from Sandis tree. I picked it on her 6week anniversary of being gone. It was delicious.
Sep 06
September 06, 2023
Headaches with Skyrizi I got my first Skyrizi 8/23. In the last week I've had 3 puking migraine days. Base of skull mostly, but some that spread across front. Taking zofran and smoking a lot to try to help with nausea. Sunday I wretched so much all t
Sep 06
I'm so mad. I don't know how to be strong. It doesn't matter how much therapy I have. I acknowledge I do not accept my diseases. I think when you are sick, you'll get better. So, I hold out hope. Thinking I am going to recover. Because if recovery isn't possible, why would anyone ever choose the other way? Being sick sucks. Being sick every fucking day of your life is nearly impossible to handle. I don't care who you are. I tell myself this is my burden, this is my cross I must bare to get to live this life I've been blessed with. I don't deserve this life and I don't feel I'm doing it justice. I know I need to be brave and face this head on. It's just exhausting. I cry alone in secret everyday. I rally in front of my friends and family as much as I'm able....if anyone could understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. I don't know how others handle it. Maybe I need a support group.
Sep 04
When I pick the Okra Least week picking the okra the devil was there trying to bring me down. He had me thinking I should slit my wrists, just do it fast and go to sleep in the itch rows, that the farmer wouldn't find me until I'd drifted off to sleep. Tonight I'm picking the okra, looking around... thinking what I regularly do. That holy cow, what did I ever do to deserve this. I have been blessed with far more abundance than I deserve. When I have my moments I need to remember that it's just the devil talking. Perspective is everything. Its interesting the things that you think about while picking the okra. Used to be the same when I was milking. Man that was a labourous chore for those 7yrs, but I don't regret them. Maybe again one day.
Aug 21
My final Zeposia
Last night was my final Zeposia dose. I've got my 1st Skyrizi infusion at the big city hospital on Wednesday. My Person is taking me. I insisted to her I didn't need a driver, but she said It's what you do for family, and I replied inner circle to he
Aug 21
If I fixed my head
If I fixed my head, would my body be healed?Is the power of positivity real?Is mind over matter really possible?  My MS is flaired, and I'm down today. The Farmer helped me get spaghetti in the freeze dryer and I went with him to water the sheep. I h
Aug 17
That Sunday in May
6am that Sunday in May, we called my Cousin in Knoxville, I said I'd decided to end my suffering and the farmer was taking me to the hospital, that we needed someone to tend the children. She said she was on her way. I couldn't stop crying. I was so
Aug 16
That Thursday in May...
I am on week 4 day 3 of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD). It sucks. I legit have got a tattoo of a donut on my ankle, your girl likes carbs and has never stuck to a diet in her life! I want to live. Two months ago I didn't, but the person, wi
Aug 16
February 23, 2023: Fuck it we ball
I was emailing this podcaster. This was the email: Disclaimer: If this email turns out too good to be just an email, I'll publish it I've lost count of the times I've been crippled by imposter syndrome. It's like I build castles near the sea which
Feb 23
December 25, 2022: A Whatsapp text I may/may not send
Dear Panther, Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. You pop up in my head on the most random of occasions. I was guzzling salted peanuts the other day thinking of how much you like them. It took a lot of control for me to not send you a p
Dec 24
December 16, 2022: Radio Silence
It's been 5 days since we last spoke. I miss him. And I have gnawing feeling in my heart that I won't ever see him or speak to him ever again. Correction: I don't think he'll see me or speak to me ever again. That day when he went back home, P
Dec 16
December 08, 2022: I danced with my Disney prince.
I can't stop smelling my hair. It smells like him. I don't even know where to start. My soul is still suspended in outer space. My eyes are a little droopy and there's a lopsided grip plastered on my face as I write this. Panther came over for a movi
Dec 08
December 05, 2022: I got myself a Disney prince and Imma dance with him while I can.
So this is what walking on air with one toe lightly dipped in reality feels like.  I just had my second date with Panther.Guess who's walking on sunshine and into hell because I'm way past my curfew time. I'm dancing into a lion's den with with a wid
Dec 05
December 01, 2022: I'm Brandy, and I don't think I'm a fine girl
"In the night when the bars close down Brandy walks through a silent town And loves a man who's not around She still can hear him say She hears him say "Brandy, you're a fine girl! What a good wife you would be! But my life, my love and my l
Dec 01
November 28, 2022: Panther: the Merchant Navy beauty
I should probably be sent to hell :) I'm "exploring my options".I use maximum of my Hinge matches for TRM. I don't even know why I still browse Hinge and send out/ accept match requests. What I'm about to write should've been another entry. I'm in th
Nov 28
November 26, 2022: I'm being an idiot
Flamingo, oh, Flamingo. I had to idea I'd be walking on air because someone told me they'd kiss me on text. Fantasy texting is a tricky pursuit. It feels AMAZING. But there's this constant sense of dismay because I know it's just fantasy. But that ti
Nov 26
November 24, 2022: Meet Flamingo, the Tamilian guitarist
Welcome back to my Hinge journal! We meet again to talk about another guy: Flamingo. This was an unexpected one.After Panda, I was a little frustrated with everything and he was just adding salt to injury. The toughest part of being an overachiever i
Nov 24
November 16, 2022: Apparently Panda is lost.
Life's just funny, guys.So funny. Last night, right before I was about to shut my eyes, I sat upright with a jolt. There was something I had to do. I had to tell Panda that he doesn't get to treat me this way.  And that's precisely what I did. Via vo
Nov 16
November 12, 2022: I'm probably done with this shit. Pandas don't make the rules. I do.
This is why I don't relationships or anything even closely resembling to one. Listen up, men.You don't tell a girl you "genuinely like her" and then forget about her the very next day and not call or text for the week. AND YOU DEFINITELY CAN'T KEEP S
Nov 12
November 09, 2022: Overselling myself to Hinge men pushed me to actually deliver
My best prompt on Hinge is: "I go crazy for a business idea or anyone who can harmonize/duet with me." This prompt has got me 2 types of matches: Work-oriented guys and music guys, and sometimes, guys who're a little bit of both.  "I run an
Nov 09
November 08, 2022: I'm getting a little impatient.
I've asked Panda about our date twice last week. And it's supposed to be tomorrow. And he hasn't said anything yet.  He sent me a video of his college dance society practising, and that was it.  Radio silence ever since.  God, what has become of
Nov 08
November 07, 2022: Panda is the reason I'm grinning at everything like a maniac
It's been so very long since I've felt this way. A little, glowing ball of warmth nests in the center of my chest. I smile as I walk. Despite the seeds of doubt in mind, my heart chooses to glow. I was on a phone call with Panda last night. He and I
Nov 07
November 06, 2022: Panda made me smile on a rainy day.
Yesterday was a horrid one.  I went to a pride march organized by GirlUp DCAC, the college society I'm a part of. I'd been actively helping out with the preparation for the march since last two weeks. It's been less than a month that I've joined
Nov 06