It's been so very long since I've felt this way. A little, glowing ball of warmth nests in the center of my chest. I smile as I walk. Despite the seeds of doubt in mind, my heart chooses to glow.
I was on a phone call with Panda last night. He and I have this pleasant dynamic where we both reassure each other and can be ourselves.
Last night, he told me he's been hearing a calling from within, that it was time for him to get his shit together and actually work for UCB. "I'll delete all my Hinge and Bumble conversations now man. It's time I focus and get to work. All I want is something genuine that'll help me grow right now."
I understand this better than anyone. I know for a fact that everything in life will fall in place if my career is on track. "Imagine if we get into UCB together," he said with glee. "There's this waffle place I know. I'll take you there,"
"I'd love that," I said. It would make me a lot happier if he got into UCB than us being together.
My heart was sinking very slowly. Yet, I had the courage to ask him, "Does that...include me?"
"No. Of course not"
"Good, because I was finally having some hope here."
"Here as in, with me?"
"Yes," I replied nervously.
"I'm actually willing to give this a shot, you know. You were the genuine thing I was talking about,"
My heartbeat rose.
After a small pause, as though he was checking over his shoulder for his mom or some eavesdropping he said, "I really like you. I meant it before just like I mean it now"
My heart dropped in the pit of my stomach. I was smiling ear to ear as I said, "I like you too"
I can't believe this is happening, guys. And for those of you thinking what a wonderful life I have where everything goes my way: I really don't. This is happening for the very first time. Last night, I told him a little about my family's situation. About my dad. He listened keenly amd asked the questions he had on his mind. I feel like he gets me a little better now.
I feel like I'm 15. I think about holding his hand and telling him about my day wtf.
You know what's the best part? He's afraid of how smart I am HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
He told me he stalked me and found out about my startup. "What do you think?," I asked,
"It's okay,"
"That's it?,"
"Yeah I get it, you work a lot now shut up"
"Fucking male ego, Panda😂," I laughed.
"Promise me something," he said in a soft voice,"
"What,"
"That even if this doesn't work out, we'll part on good terms,"
"Absolutely we will, you know I can't afford to lose anymore people,"
I felt him smile on the other side.
I absolutely LOVE this HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.
Who has two thumbs and is gaily walking into a pit of disappointment once again? This gal!
But you know what? I need to pull up my socks too. I need to be extra awesome. I need to get into UCB too. And no, it's not for him lol
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