It's been 5 days since we last spoke.
I miss him.
And I have gnawing feeling in my heart that I won't ever see him or speak to him ever again.
Correction: I don't think he'll see me or speak to me ever again.
That day when he went back home, Panther told me his mom was getting a serious case of cold feet. She isn't ready to let him sail away just yet. This was one of the many problems going on at his place. He was very tensed. Helpless, almost.
I told him he'll be okay. I told him I'm there for him and that I knew he'd do the right thing.
The next day when I texted to check up on him, and he said,
"I don't think I'll be able to see you anymore,"
"I'll explain more on a call maybe"
...
...
I didn't know what to think. My sister said not to jump to conclusions. She said to wait.
And wait I did.
When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I texted him to ask what's going a few days later. We were on text but it sounded like he was trying his best to hold back tears. he apologized for pushing me away and said apparently that's what works best for him?
I understand this better than anyone else. I'm no stranger to domestic turbulences and storms. I know that feeling of utter loneliness, even if you do have people in your corner. You just won't see them in the dark.
I get it. I get it and I'm just sad that he has to go through this. I'm a little frustrated that I can be there for him just in spirit. I'm afraid we ended even before we started. I'm afraid I'm looking at a dead end here.
I don't want to make this about me. He's the one going through hell. But how can I not?
I miss him. So bad. I jump at every notification, hoping deep, deep down it's him. I have so many stories I still have to tell him. I live in my head and go on all these beautiful, beautiful dates with him. I share these amazing moments with him in my head. I know it's too early but I can't help sticking with the cliché "When you know, you know"
I know for a FACT that I won't go for another relationship for a whole year now. At least not till my under grad is over. I don't think I'll be able too.
Sometimes, I wonder if he even existed in the first place. I wonder if he's just a figment of my imagination. I wonder if I we ever laid in a heap on the sofa. I wonder if he ever picked me up. As I write this with an empty feeling in my chest, I wonder if he ever existed.
I'm not giving up just yet though. I think he's worth waiting for. I really want him in my life. I'm thinking of when he told me how he'd stopped getting attached with people. He was holding my hand in that very moment.
I wonder if he misses me too. I don't want to get Panda'ed again (go back to the Panda stories to get the whole story)