November 26, 2022: I'm being an idiot

I had to idea I'd be walking on air because someone told me they'd kiss me on text.

Fantasy texting is a tricky pursuit.

It feels AMAZING. But there's this constant sense of dismay because I know it's just fantasy. But that tingling sensation. The way the hair on the nape of my neck raise just a little. The way my legs stretch in light anticipation. The way a funny smile plays on my lips. How the bells of alarm ring as my conscience picks me, telling me this is wrong, and how the thrilling it is to ignore it. My entire body gears up for something that it's not supposed to do with the mental surety that ofcourse it's not happening anytime soon.

I also realized just how bad I am at writing romance. I'm a descriptive writer. And I froze?!

He's like "mhmmm. Go on"

And I'm screaming in my head, "HOW?!?!?!?? WHAT'S THE NEXT STEP?!?!??!"

It's nice.

It's new.

It's a little pressuring too. I can't do this kind off stuff already. When I haven't even met the person. How do you fantasy romance someone you haven't even met😭😭

I left in the middle because I had a research paper to finish. This is what I always do hahahha. If it were someone else instead of me, I doubt they would've left such a steamy chat for a research paper😀

But I love the research paper so much I can't even put it in words. The satisfaction that hit me when I completed it: that's what love feels like.

I didn't hate it. I wasn't disgusted with myself. But I don't think that's something that works for me. If you wish to romance me, tell me you like my brain. Tell me you like the way I think. Then you can go on to tell me I'm pretty. If you do the latter first, I'll think that's all you're here for.

But hey, I had a new first.

Fantasy chats.

I can't decide whether I'm sapio first or hetero first.