December 01, 2022: I'm Brandy, and I don't think I'm a fine girl

 

"In the night when the bars close down

Brandy walks through a silent town

And loves a man who's not around

She still can hear him say


She hears him say "Brandy, you're a fine girl!

What a good wife you would be!

But my life, my love and my lady

Is the sea""


I'm Brandy, in the literal sense.


Not only is Panther sailing away in January, but he'll also be back in April and leave again in a month.


I don't think I can do this. I need some serious love and affection right now. And I really like him. I REALLY LIKE HIM. I can't stop replaying that day in my head. Going back to that day spreads that warm, fuzzy feeling through my brain for a split second. Just for a split second, and then poof. 


Then comes the frustration and despair. Let's say he has feelings for me too. Hell, let's say we get into a relationship. Then what? I'll see him every three months for a few days, until I finally I leave the country too :)


This is so exasperating, that I don't think I can articulate it. Just because I'm "cut out for better things in life", as I've always been told whenever I complain even a little, doesn't mean I don't deserve to experience the little madness of a teen romantic relationship.


Hey Universe, 

Bro we good?


Have I become this desperate? Is this because I've never dated at all, and now the urge to have a healthy relationship with someone I can't even believe exists is a giant snowball that has bene rolling for the past half decade? I hate that I feel this away. 


I'll probably do what I always do.

Once again, I'll let all my work consume me and the gaping void that stares me in the face all day and all night until there's no space for something as delicate as feelings. 


Holy shit I'm such a guy.

I'm shutting everything off because I got hurt before anything even began. I just deleted Hinge and Instagram and archived Panther's chat on WhatsApp.


What about Flamingo, you ask?

Dude just wanted sex bruh. We don't talk the way Panther and I do. The conversations that flow between Panther and I feel like warm waves lapping at the coast of my heart. 


You see how I keep using the word "warm" for Panther?

Because that's exactly what he is. And that is exactly what I need. And I know this isn't going to happen.


Then I think of what once Baloo (stay tuned to meet a new character y'all) said. "Stop thinking, and just DO". He tells me time and again how I tend to enjoy standing in my own way because it's a lot easier than actually going through the thing. I changed that this time. I was bold, not just in my fierce words, but also in my actions. I held Panther's hand because I wanted to and looked straight in his eyes as I did. I text without thinking what he might think. I'm making a shitload of effort to be better at this. 


I put myself out there. More than once. But every time, it's a new reason for why I went "Ehh, NEEEEXT!".

Is this how it's always going to be?
Is it even worth the effort?



Now I don't know what to do. Should I keep talking to him and then let him yank out the anchor from my heart and sail away? Or should I zip open my heart and purge out the anchor myself as I shut the door on his face and get back to work like the strong, independent woman I am?





Or what if he's worth waiting for?









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