Stop Thinking's Dear Diary

Index
October 29, 2023
I kissed a guy last night. I hate myself.
Oct 29
October 08, 2023
Cute barista is not here. Dangit. I look good too. Its the first cold day of the year and im in docs and a turtle neck. I love the colder weather and the clothes that go along with it. I've been playing a lot of new world lately. I think I enjoy
Oct 08
September 30, 2023
Hey, it's been a while. I'm at DOCR. I feel... I don't know. Somber is the closest I can think to describe it. Ally confessed her love again and I shot her down again. Same old same old. God is it so exhausting. I went to boogie last night an
Sep 30
August 22, 2023
Cass ended things. I am so confused and hurt and lost. I want to crumble into myself.  I started typing everything out and just deleted it all. What's the point? She's gone. God I miss her so much already. Don't end up in the hospital aga
Aug 22
let's get a psych eval
- been depressed my entire life - deep history of family mental health issues (sister has BPD 1, father has attempted suicide multiple times, mother is zoloft, etc) - perfectionist -> unattainable goals -> not doing anything -> depression - extrem
Aug 11
August 03, 2023
I'm writing this in prep for therapy. I haven't been in something like a month, which is the longest time since I started going two years ago. How do I feel right now? There's a weight in my chest. I am bored beyond imagination. I have no int
Aug 03
June 30, 2023
I'm losing hope. Everything is pointless. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I waste away each day. I sleep as much as I can. Absolutely nothing interests me but climbing and I even feel like I'm regressing in that. I don't know
Jun 30
May 29, 2023
I am so bored. I feel numb. Everything feels pointless. Even writing this is pointless. I want to panic and run from everything. But that's classic Jacob and not healthy. I need to learn how to manage. I really wish Dyno was open today. Stupi
May 29
May 19, 2023
I'm supposed to write so I write. It's not about finding the most captivating thing in the world. It's about doing anything to stay busy. Stagnation leads to depression. Pick something and make yourself do it, otherwise you'll just rot. I bou
May 19
May 09, 2023
So Cass and I had sex the other day. It felt really comfortable and easy. I think it's because we had fooled around before and have been friends for months and there was 0 pressure on either side. It just felt natural? How sex is supposed to feel. I
May 09
April 24, 2023
I got released from the psych ward today after about a week. I still haven't processed my emotions about it all. I'm waiting for it to hit me. She added me on snapchat. I blocked her. I still wish she would walk through the door at the coffee sho
Apr 24
March 14, 2023
I don't want to write. Ally was still signed into her Spotify on my TV. That wasn't good. I've never snooped once or sought her out because I know I can't handle it. I know how bad it would be for me and I've been proud of my discipline. It just
Mar 15
March 11, 2023
The last week has been rough. The plumbing issues lead to a full blown house spiral which lead to a mental spiral. Add the last few weeks of on and off power and internet and it's been rough. But I hardcore cleaned my place yesterday and it feels gre
Mar 11
March 08, 2023
It's nights like these where I would have normally broken. It's nights like these that I knew would come and I'd have to learn to deal with on my own. It's nights like these were I find out what I'm really made of. It's nights like these where I almo
Mar 09
March 07, 2023
I went on a date with a girl named Johnna (like Mayor, not Hill) yesterday. We went axe throwing. We kissed at the end. She liked me a lot. It was a good time but she wasn't for me. I'm glad I went though. It was my first date post The Great Blockeni
Mar 08