R35aud's Dear Diary

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I kissed a guy last night. I hate myself.

Cute barista is not here. Dangit. I look good too. Its the first cold day of the year and im in docs and a turtle neck. I love the colder weather and the clothes that go along with it. I've been playing a lot of new world lately. I think I enjoy

Hey, it's been a while. I'm at DOCR. I feel... I don't know. Somber is the closest I can think to describe it. Ally confessed her love again and I shot her down again. Same old same old. God is it so exhausting. I went to boogie last night an

Cass ended things. I am so confused and hurt and lost. I want to crumble into myself.  I started typing everything out and just deleted it all. What's the point? She's gone. God I miss her so much already. Don't end up in the hospital aga

- been depressed my entire life - deep history of family mental health issues (sister has BPD 1, father has attempted suicide multiple times, mother is zoloft, etc) - perfectionist -> unattainable goals -> not doing anything -> depression - extrem

I'm writing this in prep for therapy. I haven't been in something like a month, which is the longest time since I started going two years ago. How do I feel right now? There's a weight in my chest. I am bored beyond imagination. I have no int

I'm losing hope. Everything is pointless. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I waste away each day. I sleep as much as I can. Absolutely nothing interests me but climbing and I even feel like I'm regressing in that. I don't know

I am so bored. I feel numb. Everything feels pointless. Even writing this is pointless. I want to panic and run from everything. But that's classic Jacob and not healthy. I need to learn how to manage. I really wish Dyno was open today. Stupi

I'm supposed to write so I write. It's not about finding the most captivating thing in the world. It's about doing anything to stay busy. Stagnation leads to depression. Pick something and make yourself do it, otherwise you'll just rot. I bou

So Cass and I had sex the other day. It felt really comfortable and easy. I think it's because we had fooled around before and have been friends for months and there was 0 pressure on either side. It just felt natural? How sex is supposed to feel. I

I got released from the psych ward today after about a week. I still haven't processed my emotions about it all. I'm waiting for it to hit me. She added me on snapchat. I blocked her. I still wish she would walk through the door at the coffee sho

I don't want to write. Ally was still signed into her Spotify on my TV. That wasn't good. I've never snooped once or sought her out because I know I can't handle it. I know how bad it would be for me and I've been proud of my discipline. It just

The last week has been rough. The plumbing issues lead to a full blown house spiral which lead to a mental spiral. Add the last few weeks of on and off power and internet and it's been rough. But I hardcore cleaned my place yesterday and it feels gre

It's nights like these where I would have normally broken. It's nights like these that I knew would come and I'd have to learn to deal with on my own. It's nights like these were I find out what I'm really made of. It's nights like these where I almo

I went on a date with a girl named Johnna (like Mayor, not Hill) yesterday. We went axe throwing. We kissed at the end. She liked me a lot. It was a good time but she wasn't for me. I'm glad I went though. It was my first date post The Great Blockeni