I'm writing this in prep for therapy.
I haven't been in something like a month, which is the longest time since I started going two years ago.
How do I feel right now? There's a weight in my chest. I am bored beyond imagination. I have no interest in anything except climbing. I have no motivation to work whatsoever which is bad because Saturday night is the biggest night of my career.
I'm struggling incredibly to get settled in my new house. It is a huge source of my depression.
I have more or less given up on most aspects of my life. My house is a mess, I'm a mess, I hardly eat, I'm back to watching porn to cope and fill the void, I'm back to old people that I shouldn't be involved with anymore just to feel something. If I'm miserable when I'm alone, what's the point? I've more or less given up.
I just need the right meds. Keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting but what happens when you fight and fight and fight and you're still miserable? What happens when you shouldn't be miserable but still are. What do you do then? I've decided to wallow. There is freedom in not caring. I don't have it in me to care.
I don't want to do anything. Not shower, not eat, not play games, not work, not go to therapy.
I take my meds, I walk my dog, I climb. Those are the only 3 guarantees I have in a day.
I simply can't function. But I refuse to go back to the hospital. I don't believe it will change anything. All the hospital does is stabilize and I'm not really suicidal. They might adjust my meds but that won't actually do anything for weeks and weeks. There is no respite. Only when I sleep and only when I climb.
Most of the time I'm miserable for miseries sake. I don't even know why I'm so sad. It's like it's innate, it's default, it's like it's who I am. Woah is me. Poor me. I'm just so fucking miserable.
A while back Cass told me she wanted to stop having sex for a while. She said she didn't feel close to me anymore and wanted to emphasize the friendship. That hit me like a truck. I felt rejected. I felt uncared for. I felt confused and hurt. And I started to self destruct. I slept with Cortney. I reached out to Ally and we're friends again now. I went back to porn. I started day drinking and getting high. I did not handle it well at all. I'm still dealing with all of that. It still hurts me now and it's been weeks. It broke me. Why do I crave love so bad but fear commitment?
I've given up. I'm certainly not living a healthy lifestyle at all right now, but even when I try I'm still miserable. It's still all there. What's the point in trying? I'm convinced I just need the right meds or dosage or something. I'm not saying it'll be a cure all. I know I still need to put in the work. But fuck me what's the point in trying and trying and trying if I'm still so fucking miserable. Yes I've made progress and I have a house now and things to be grateful for but I just don't care about any of that. That doesn't fix the misery or boredom or mood swings or pain. I'm just not functional.
What is life without joy? How do you find it? Why can't I appreciate life? I'm outside in the back yard with my dog who's my entire world. It's beautiful out. Why does it feel like I'm drowning?
I ran into Ally at the bar again a while back. When I got into my car I ripped off my sun visor and rear view mirror. They're sitting on the floor of the car now. Every time I get in my car I think of her and that night. In some twisted poetic fashion, every time I go to check my mirror all I end up seeing are the mistakes I've made. I really need a new car.
I went out to grab milk earlier today and food. I stood in my kitchen eating and started shaking because I was so proud of myself for even doing that. How pathetic I've become.