So Cass and I had sex the other day. It felt really comfortable and easy. I think it's because we had fooled around before and have been friends for months and there was 0 pressure on either side. It just felt natural? How sex is supposed to feel. I was still in my head a lot of the time, but not nearly as much as I normally am. We weren't planning on having sex. It kind of just happened. We were supposed to talk about us and I was most likely going to put an end to things due to my inability to handle jealousy well at all and re-emphasize the friendship but then I fell dick first into her crotch. Oops.
Part of me will always inevitably fall for any friend I have that's a girl. It doesn't matter what they look like, what they're about, or if I even like them. I crave that attention and validation like you crave the first breath of air coming up from under the water. It's usually not about them, it's about how they make me feel.
I have therapy in a few hours. I don't want to go. I don't want to talk about anything. I don't want to talk about Cass or the fact that I have a date with someone else planned for Saturday. I always feel like I'm going to let my therapist down with what I say. That I'm a fuck up for my constant interpersonal problems. Like duh maybe fucking your friend and making it messy and then also planning a date with someone soon after 3 weeks after you got out of the psych ward isn't a good idea Jacob? But my mental health doesn't stop me from wanting to live life man. When I'm good I'm like "look how great I'm doing let's go live life" and when I'm bad it's like "fuck it I already feel like shit let's take a risk and do something that could make me feel better". I don't know what one I am right now. I'd like to think the former.
I think I'm worse than I was when I was alone. I don't know. When I'm not involved with anyone I focus more on myself. I'm the only one who can make myself feel better. So I stay on top of things, I empty my dishwasher, I make my bed every day, the little things that keep the world on track. I don't have that motivation anymore really. I mean it's not like my life is falling apart, but I definitely do not have that motivation or discipline or anything. Things feel like more of a struggle. Why? Is it being involved with Cass? My dad? Ally? Cortney? This house? Self hatred? Work? Something else entirely? Probably a mixture of all of it. I don't know. How do I find a fucking balance? How do I stop falling into the same cycles? How do I learn to open up and talk about the real shit that I'm struggling with in therapy instead of making shit up?
Do I need love or do I just want it? I feel like there's this hole in my life. I crave it but also push it away. Tons of people want love, but do I want it or need it? If I need it then I'll reject it because it's wrong. It feels wrong to accept love. To accept another person. To have them accept me.
I could sit here and type for another hour about so many things, but this is a start at least. It's been a while since I journaled. I'd like to get more into it again. I have to get ready for work. Maybe I'll read this today at therapy. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just pretend like everything is fine and just get it over with and not make progress. Who knows with me.