RaydaChan's Dear Diary

Index
šŸ—“ļø May 28, Making healthy decisions
Dear Diary, Today I decided that I needed to do a weight loss program with my friends. That should give me even more strength to keep fighting for good health, don't you think? Thank God I am in good health, and taking advantage of the quarantine
May 28
šŸ—“ļø May 24, 2020 - Updates šŸ’„
Dear Diary, Today would be my first day of exercise, but unfortunately I had heavy periods and was unable to do anything. My Sunday was very quiet; I lay there reading "Twilight" on the Kindle and hoping to get better. Despite everything, I'm moving
May 24
šŸ—“ļø May, 23 I don't like my body :c
So, this is a little complicated for me to assume that I'm not really that satisfied with my body. It was not always so. In fact, I've always been overweight, but I never really felt the need to change anything, until I started meeting new people and
May 24
June 20, 2023
Dear Diary, Halaat ki waja se itni dafa ghar tabdeel krna para keh now i really wish i own my own house..
Jun 20
June 18, 2023
Dear Diary, Logon ko shaurat ya maqam ki talab hoti hai... I want to do something in life because I want an Identity. I am in quest for Identity.
Jun 18
June 18, 2023
Dear Diary, I wasted my time and years on some stupid ambition called painting. Kash na wasta para hota! The only thing that pulled me into it was 'dedication'. Is ke baray me aik khubi mujhey apni janib khinchti thi. I was never an artist. Mujhey ba
Jun 18
January 11, 2023
Dear Diary, Today ..like every other day is a mixed day, where every second of the day requires alertness. Living as now was never what i wished my life to be like or how my values fit. Though all the same ... I love my kids deeply and more than an
Jan 11
January 11, 2023
Dear Diary, Good that the cheers broke me apart, good that the fog drew their memories and filled mine with void. I shall surpass the fake mystic i met before, and shall as i had... lost the walk that multitude walks... in crowds and glows that for
Jan 11
December 27, 2022
Dear Diary, Half smugly lost smiles,Ā vacant stares all locking the grim chance under the thundering bolts of fair cleaves. They made a havoc out of me and i am in ruins a living dead, yet a seed to life. I am not bleedling physically, so they find
Dec 26
Look at this picture and tell me what you see. I see how my life must be. What it's become. I'd love if these tacos were carne asada from a food truck. But, sadly I can't do things like that anymore without paying a terrible price. Hopefully again one day. In this photo I see food as a labor of love. I grew those black beans, I picked them in the blazing sun, and undoubtedly shelled them while watching naked and afraid in my recliner this summer. I milked, cooked down and eventually turned them into gluten free shells that hold their shape perfectly . I picked the eggplant from my garden, grew the bell peppers, tomatoes. The salmon sadly wasn't mine...but it was wild caught. The lime....that was from Sandis tree. I picked it on her 6week anniversary of being gone. It was delicious.
Sep 06
September 06, 2023
Headaches with SkyriziĀ I got my first Skyrizi 8/23. In the last week I've had 3 puking migraine days. Base of skull mostly, but some that spread across front. Taking zofran and smoking a lot to try to help with nausea. Sunday I wretched so much all t
Sep 06
I'm so mad. I don't know how to be strong. It doesn't matter how much therapy I have. I acknowledge I do not accept my diseases. I think when you are sick, you'll get better. So, I hold out hope. Thinking I am going to recover. Because if recovery isn't possible, why would anyone ever choose the other way? Being sick sucks. Being sick every fucking day of your life is nearly impossible to handle. I don't care who you are. I tell myself this is my burden, this is my cross I must bare to get to live this life I've been blessed with. I don't deserve this life and I don't feel I'm doing it justice. I know I need to be brave and face this head on. It's just exhausting. I cry alone in secret everyday. I rally in front of my friends and family as much as I'm able....if anyone could understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. I don't know how others handle it. Maybe I need a support group.
Sep 04
When I pick the Okra Least week picking the okra the devil was there trying to bring me down. He had me thinking I should slit my wrists, just do it fast and go to sleep in the itch rows, that the farmer wouldn't find me until I'd drifted off to sleep. Tonight I'm picking the okra, looking around... thinking what I regularly do. That holy cow, what did I ever do to deserve this. I have been blessed with far more abundance than I deserve. When I have my moments I need to remember that it's just the devil talking. Perspective is everything. Its interesting the things that you think about while picking the okra. Used to be the same when I was milking. Man that was a labourous chore for those 7yrs, but I don't regret them. Maybe again one day.
Aug 21
My final Zeposia
Last night was my final Zeposia dose. I've got my 1st Skyrizi infusion at the big city hospital on Wednesday. My Person is taking me. I insisted to her I didn't need a driver, but she said It's what you do for family, and I replied inner circle to he
Aug 21
If I fixed my head
If I fixed my head, would my body be healed?Is the power of positivity real?Is mind over matter really possible?Ā  My MS is flaired, and I'm down today. The Farmer helped me get spaghetti in the freeze dryer and I went with him to water the sheep. I h
Aug 17
That Sunday in May
6am that Sunday in May, we called my Cousin in Knoxville, I said I'd decided to end my suffering and the farmer was taking me to the hospital, that we needed someone to tend the children. She said she was on her way.Ā I couldn't stop crying. I was so
Aug 16
That Thursday in May...
I am on week 4 day 3 of the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD). It sucks. I legit have got a tattoo of a donut on my ankle, your girl likes carbs and has never stuck to a diet in her life! I want to live. Two months ago I didn't, but the person, wi
Aug 16