Lydia Rose 's Dear Diary

J'suis pas une fille moi j'suis une comète 🎶

I think about you all the time you know. The way you laughed so hard it almost hurt my ears, the way you'd take my hand and lead me through the dark streets that used to terrify me, the way you didn't care, the way you cared so much, the way you hate

Its day 9. Apparently I just can not for the life of me metabolise enough serotonin for my brain to function properly. I'm tired. My mood is low today. I really wanna cry.

It's day 6. Technically the peak of the worst of the symptoms should be around now. And then I guess it should progressively get better over the span of two weeks. I am holding onto that information for dear life. This is hard. It doesn't feel good.

I can do this myself, she said. It'll be easy, she said. I can handle this, she said. Dumbass. I randomly burst into tears yesterday. Well, not really randomly. This is also, unsurprisingly, a withdrawal symptom. I guess for the past five years my em

It's day 4 of being off my meds. Completely. I was supposed to do it progressively but the joys of living in a medical desert fucked me over again. So I thought fuck it, I'm gonna go cold turkey. Apart from pseudo vertigos, occasional chills, muscle

Man I hate it here. Every day I learn something new and fucked up about the world or about myself, it's like opening presents and every single one is a pair of shitty socks.

I used to think I was kind, generous, obliging, flexible. And I am all those things. But over time, kindness has turned to compliance, flexibility has turned to folding myself in ten to make sure I don't upset anyone, and in the end, passivity. Passi

Head empty, heart fucking exploding.

Seriously, why the FUCK do I keep dreaming of a bus?

And the spiral continues. Down and down we go, me myself and I, in a dizzying waltz. Hand in hand, a dance of war and contradiction. One step forward, two steps back, and we spin and spin and spin and spin and spin. Cold wind passes through us, dark

Dear Diary, It's getting bad again. Well, worse I mean. I haven't slept in... 27 hours? My brain is mush. Every time a wave of fatigue comes over me I distract myself, let it pass, keep being awake. It's stupid. I don't want to go to sleep becau

Pour toi j'irais tout défoncé, les mecs relous les députés 🎶

Hozier was right, innocence did die screaming.

What's wrong with me? I mean ACTUALLY what is wrong with me? Who the fuck messed up when they made me? Is it because of my anxiety riddled mother who, like her mother before her, never even realized there was potentially something wrong with her beca