April 04, 2025
I can do this myself, she said. It'll be easy, she said. I can handle this, she said. Dumbass.
I randomly burst into tears yesterday. Well, not really randomly. This is also, unsurprisingly, a withdrawal symptom. I guess for the past five years my emotions have been kind of... muted. I haven't cried like that in... Maybe ten years? Like full on sobbing, loud, ugly crying.
I'm not gonna lie though, I felt better afterwards. I felt nice. I just... Let it all out. It was either that or a panic attack. I'll take the randomly bursting into tears any day over that.
For the first three days it was mostly just the "brain zaps". Yesterday, I felt like something changed. Anxiety, uncontrollable anxiety, my brain going a million miles an hour. I'm hoping, no I'm fucking praying that the unmuting of my emotions will also apply to the positive ones. Today seems alright, but we'll see tonight, that's when it gets weird. We'll see, we'll see. If I start having panic attacks, I'll give up. I'll do this the right way. For now, I can handle this.
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