January 15, 2025

 

I used to think I was kind, generous, obliging, flexible. And I am all those things. But over time, kindness has turned to compliance, flexibility has turned to folding myself in ten to make sure I don't upset anyone, and in the end, passivity. Passivity so violent that I am hurting myself, with every one of my actions. And not just myself. Maybe I could get that through that thick fucking skull of mine. I'm not helping anyone, least of all me. But since I don't matter to myself, let me say this so I don't ever forget: 
When I disregard my needs and my wants in favor of the needs and wants of others, they end up with a skewered vision of me, someone who's kind of me, kind of not. And in doing that, I hurt the people around me. I. Hurt. The. People. Around. Me. Since that's the last thing I want, maybe drilling that into my head will help. Maybe I'll stop just... Letting things happen to me. God I want to cry... What kind of messed up human am I. 




Comments
Songbird
13d
You are not messed up. It is ok to be selfish sometimes. If you are pulling yourself past the breaking point for these people then take a step back. If they are angry at that then they aren't worth your time. If they truly cared about you they would understand. I understand putting on a fake face for the people around you. It is hard to let go of that because...then you are you? If you don't have that then who are you? You are a wonderful person that's who. A person who is capable of great things. People should love you for who you are. You might think you don't matter to yourself but you matter to me. I might be a stranger in this vast world but I will tell you right now that you matter to me. You can do this. It might feel like you can't continue forward but sometimes taking a break can give you the energy you need. I believe in you! Lots of love!! Songbird
Lydia Rose
3h
@Songbird Thank you kind friend 💛