January 15, 2025
I used to think I was kind, generous, obliging, flexible. And I am all those things. But over time, kindness has turned to compliance, flexibility has turned to folding myself in ten to make sure I don't upset anyone, and in the end, passivity. Passivity so violent that I am hurting myself, with every one of my actions. And not just myself. Maybe I could get that through that thick fucking skull of mine. I'm not helping anyone, least of all me. But since I don't matter to myself, let me say this so I don't ever forget:
When I disregard my needs and my wants in favor of the needs and wants of others, they end up with a skewered vision of me, someone who's kind of me, kind of not. And in doing that, I hurt the people around me. I. Hurt. The. People. Around. Me. Since that's the last thing I want, maybe drilling that into my head will help. Maybe I'll stop just... Letting things happen to me. God I want to cry... What kind of messed up human am I.