April 19, 2026

Dear Diary,

I feel like I am talking to a wall. 

Well u need to know my "boy best friend" Vince(he is transgander), and me were a thing in 2021. It didn't last long, 1 Month, maby 2. 

I broke up with him, because I felt unseen by him. He often told me that I am too young to understand some things, he often was mad at me because I would not react to his jokes or flirty ways (I was 16). 

When he first visited me, he wanted to get intimate with me, but I had no Idea or whatsoever. I was young, it was my first time being in a relationship with someone like that. I loved him deeply, I still do with a part of my heart.

After we broke up, I started to change myself, cut my hair, dye it black and all. After him I started to not care about myself, I got myself drunk even on school days, stayed up all night, gaming with strangers, went to guys just for Sex, and had a one night stand. Well more than just one. I didn't care, I just wanted to not feel the pain. But save to say, I don't recommend it. It just breaks you more. 

After some time I started to search for him on Instagram and stuff, wanting to know what he was doing. The regret hit instantly. He was doing just fine, and already had another Girlfriend. I broke so many times because of him. He had this perfect life, while I was losing myself day to day. But no one ever cared. I tried to move on so many times, but we somehow had this connection. Always searching for each other, because one day he reached out to me. Asking how I was doing, I knew it well, that day. I was on the Train, heading home after staying a week with a friend(I ditched work and all, I didn't care). Something inside me longs for him, every now and then. We have so many memories and feelings. I never had this with anyone else. Sometimes I regret that we broke up but in the next second I know exactly why we don't work. Because he can break me all over again. But we began to be friends again. Gamed very often and would sometimes just talk for hours. I could feel he missed me the same way. We had conversations that would get me up, no matter how down I was. He always knew how to make me happy. Once I was the most Important Person in his life and he was mine. But that is in the past now. Since he is together with my "best friend" everything changed. Everything. He doesn't seem to care whether I'm here or not. Never reaching out to me, sometimes we don't text for over weeks. I'm not important as I was for him now, well he found someone better. And I am not a part of his life anymore and that breaks me all over again. I got over him, when we broke up, but then he reached out to me and we got really close again but the second he found someone new..I'm not important anymore. I never get the chance to spend time with him alone, he always wants to include his girlfriend(I did talk about that with him a lot, but it doesn't matter to him since he always brings it up again). It's exhausting and honestly, I just want to break free from him, end what we have and just move on with my life. I'm not able to be broken again by him. I love him, deeply, I always will. But he is not mine to love anymore and I won't stick around just for his pleasure. I  asked him many times if we wanted to do stuff alone, but he always wanted to bring his girlfriend, even when gaming, what was our thing. And I just..can't. It breaks something every time. And I am not strong enough for that. It hurts, reading this and writing this, knowing nothing will ever be as it was before. But I

guess that's life, huh. Sometimes I wish he could read my posts here,