December 11, 2025

Dear diary…

I’ve gotten used to the cold, it’s almost familiar now. Everything’s quiet, calm, still.

Today my emptiness feels filled with the fact that I saw it with my own eyes — I’m not needed there, no matter how much I’m drawn to that place.

I feel like I’m always searching for something important. Like I’ve lost someone I can’t replace.

My eyes keep scanning people on the street, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone who matters to me… But all I see is emptiness.

At least I’ve learned to create comfort: artificially, but convincingly.

I had a good teacher, and now I can do it in pretty much every part of life:

fake warmth, fake calm, even squeeze out brief sparks of happiness. Short-lived, but enough to keep going.

And yet, when I’m alone, it sometimes breaks through. The emptiness, the pain… everything I try to hide comes flooding out. 

I keep myself together thanks to you, to the things you write.

I’m so starved for the feeling of giving all of myself to someone that I draw strength from your stories — how you fall in love, how you meet someone, go on dates, look at each other with that glow… God, I miss that fire so much.

Thank you for sharing it. It warms my heart to know that love is still alive, and that what happened to me was just… bad luck.

People tell me I’m a good friend, someone easy to talk to, someone who can listen and keep secrets.

But friendship is just one fragment of love.

I like sharing my feelings, I always have, but I’ve never learned how to love and be “just a friend” at the same time.

Maybe because I’ve never tried loving someone who actually wanted to be with me.

I chose the role of the rescuer.

And now… I find myself missing those times again… I wish to be lover and best friend at the same time, not only on physical way, I need it in both ways: especially spiritual. 

Next year, I want to fall in love with a friend. Or be friends with someone I love, but without having to hide my feelings, to have possibility to be open in both ways…