My love.
We exchanged messages and had a call today. She initiated it… and I was drunk. She talked about her busy life, and I stayed silent.
She suggested doing shared hobbies together, even though she’s in a relationship.
Probably she just wanted to maintain contact, conversation, attention — maybe without romantic intentions.
However, this gives me no space to let go — on the contrary, it brings back attachment and pain.
It creates an illusion of closeness that contradicts reality.
Alcohol amplified my emotions: the pain and jealousy became sharper… I heard about her life and see that she’s moving forward without me, and it hurts…
I can’t tell her: “I’m sorry, but it hurts me.
Any communication between us causes pain and resentment; I cannot be your friend after everything that happened. And any closeness is hope.
Leave me alone. Disappear and live happily in your relationship.”
At the end, she wished me to have a nice evening and sweet dreams, like she used to, and tears ran down my cheeks.
I think she’s trying to pity me, knowing how painful this breakup is for me…
But I wish I could erase the memory and forget everything that happened between us and she would disappear from my life rather than pity me…
She behaves so kindly. Before, I would have thought she loves me and wants to restore our connection because she misses me.
But now… in therapy, I see that she’s just lonely. She wants a friend, not me. Or maybe me bc I was just both a friend and more than that…
Maybe she even feels some guilt — her life is fine, she has a relationship, and I’m stuck because of my feelings…
This reality hurts.
Now it’s becoming clearer why I feel physically sick when someone tries to confess their feelings to me.
I actually threw up — seriously… That’s how painful this state is.
I’m trying to keep myself afloat, and then she…
Once again pulls me back into that abyss where I’m alone, a backup option, just a “good friend”she misses…. GOD… I’m tired of constantly trying to guess what’s going on in her head. I just want to stop feeling this pain.