I’ve been going through therapy, trying to break my dependence on the person I love, because that love turned out to be a lesson, not the airy dreams I had about a shared future.
It feels like I’m rebuilding myself from scratch.
I’m not even touching the rest of my life — it’s terrifying to dig into it.
But the most important thing is to bring myself back…
My life is a complete mess, and I don’t have the strength to sort through all this crap. I’m trying to work through my broken expectations and hopes, to let go of them.
You know… there’s no addiction heavier than being addicted to someone you love.
But, just like with smoking, I ask myself:
Why am I suffering like this?..
What does it give me?
Will this ease the pain of my shattered hopes and dreams?
Will it bring that person back?
Will it make me someone they need?
It’s not scary to lose a job, and it’s not fatal to lose the people around you…
What’s truly terrifying is losing yourself in someone you love more than anything, and realizing again and again that they don’t need you, that you’re never the right one, that you’re always too much — or not enough.
So… don’t lose yourself.
No one will thank you for it.
Don’t try to become “the best” for someone else,
don’t build future plans around someone else —
none of it is appreciated.
No one needs perfection, no one needs the beautiful future you created in your imagination…
And in the end, you find yourself lost, shattered, unwanted. You can’t cope with your own life —
so what job, what social life are we even talking about… And you have to pull yourself out of that depressive pit of shattered hopes and hurts all on your own. First of all, the hurt you feel toward yourself — for becoming so foolishly useless even in your own life.
My dreams of building a happy family together, of our business, of a home we would create side by side, of the most beautiful and beloved children, of traveling the world together… Everything that was actually achievable — I never built castles in the air, I truly felt it was all possible — all of it has collapsed.
And now I’m lost.
I’ve lost myself, my goals, my ambitions, my desires.
I spent so long suffering and trying to adjust that now it’s hard to find myself among the broken pieces. But, thanks to therapy, I’m trying…
I just got used to being needed…