My love, I don’t know how to do this… how to accept something I never wanted to exist. Every time I think of you, my chest tightens, my stomach twists, and it feels like my heart is caught between longing and despair. I want to scream at the universe for being so cruel, for giving me something so beautiful only to take it away.
I remember everything… every laugh, every touch, every word that made me feel alive. And it hurts so much that it’s over. That you are not here the way I need you to be. That we are no longer “us,” no matter how much I ache for it. I am learning, or trying, to accept it… and it feels like swallowing glass. Every breath is sharp, every heartbeat heavy, and still I try.
I hate that this is reality. I hate that I have to let go of what I wanted so badly. I hate that I cannot make you feel the way I feel. I hate that love, my love, my all, is not enough. And yet, somewhere deep inside, I whisper to myself that I have to accept it, even when every fiber of me rebels.
It’s so hard. It’s unbearably hard. I keep clinging to the memories, to the warmth, to the idea of us, and every time I do, I feel the ache grow. I want to be free, to release you and the life we could have had, but I don’t know if I can. And maybe that’s what acceptance is supposed to feel like: a fight, a grief, a trembling, trembling heart trying to let go of someone it still loves more than anything.
So I write this, because maybe in putting it into words, I can start to let some of it go. Maybe I can begin to breathe again without feeling like I’m losing a part of myself. Maybe I can accept that some love, no matter how real, no matter how deep, isn’t meant to last.
And even though it hurts, I am trying. I am trying, even if it feels impossible. Help me, my love… Please give me the certainty that you won’t come back into my life just to spark false hopes and then disappear. I need to protect my heart. At the same time, promise me that you’ll be okay. I truly want you to be well.
I remember our promise to always stay in touch, so no one would worry if something happened to either of us. Please don’t disappear completely… but also, don’t give me any more hopes that can’t be real. One vice man said: “You can wish for something so painful and so intense that, when it comes true, you no longer feel joy: it has cost you too much of your soul.”
I need honesty, even if it means distance. But please, don’t leave me so abruptly… Every time I go online, I feel a knot of fear in my stomach, afraid to see that you’re not there. I couldn’t be your knight, your easygoing friend… you are my tender, beloved flower. But in time, I promise I will no longer disturb you… I must accept it