Letter N1 Forgiveness

Do you remember when you were sick and I brought you medicine? When you were hungry and I ordered food, just to see a flicker of joy on your face? Do you remember the happiness, the pure, reckless, blinding joy we shared? How I gave you gifts, how your smile made my soul soar, and I was happy simply because you were happy? Do you remember our endless talks, our shared dreams, our fears, our passions? How I touched you gently, held you, believed with all my heart that there was an unbreakable bond between us? That nothing could ever change us? That we would be together, forever?

Do you remember that I never compared you to anyone else? Never provoked you out of boredom or for a laugh? How I respected your heart, your feelings, every fragile piece of your being? Do you remember the hours we spoke, lost in each other’s voices, whether in messages or in person? How we secretly touched under the table at events, a small rebellion against the world? How wildly, how fearlessly, how completely we lived our love? How ready we were to do anything for each other? Do you remember the madness, the laughter, the thrill? How I always tried to stay close, and you never pushed me away?

Remember. Please, remember. Remember my love, fierce, unrelenting, my respect for your heart, my care, my passion. Remember all of it… And know that it’s only a fraction of what I wanted to give you, only a fragment of what you allowed me to share. I wanted to dissolve into our love, to surrender completely. But how can I continue to give when all I meet is emptiness?

Even now, it’s unbearable to speak with you… I fear hurting you. I fear that you will see me as too much. :( That only I give, and you take silently. That my words are heavy, my love too loud, my presence too large. This fear binds me, shackles me, robs me of the freedom to simply be myself with you.

You have changed. I have changed. You say you are who you are, and you will not, cannot change, not even for me. You will not try. And yet I am willing... I want to grow, to bend, to give everything. But not into a one-sided void, where my love flows alone and is met with indifference. I cannot play a game where only I strive.

I love you. I love you so deeply it hurts… I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. But I cannot remain and endure this. I cannot laugh off the wounds, pretend they don’t pierce me, ignore the shadows of the future. Forgive me… Please. Be happy. I love you💔

Today, I smoked and found myself drifting back to that first moment of our closeness. The memory hit me with a bittersweet intensity… the way your hand brushed mine, the heat of your breath, the unspoken understanding that passed between us in that fragile, perfect instant. Every detail replayed in my mind, every shiver, every heartbeat, as if time itself had folded around us and left nothing else in the world… And yet, as the smoke curled and vanished, so did the immediacy of it. I am left with the echo, a mixture of longing, regret, and an aching, stubborn love that refuses to fade :(

I forgive you… for every scar I carry, for every wound our connection has left behind. I forgive the pain, the disillusionment, the way I imagined you differently, believing you were like me, believing we could grow together, for each other. I release you now, reluctantly, with a heavy heart, but I see no other path. This is the only way forward, to let go and carry what I’ve learned, even as it aches. 

I love you, and this warmth, this quiet fire of my heart, I will carry with me to the very end of my uneasy days… It will linger in me, in every beat, every breath, a part of who I am, even when you are far, even when time separates us… Be free my love… Find someone who will embrace you as you truly are, who can give you what you deserve without ever asking for anything in return… Perhaps for a soul like that, you will find yourself willing to change, not out of obligation, but out of love… I am not enough for you… But I love you to the moon and back… Even the fiercest souls, who seem unbreakable, carry hidden tears that fall unseen…

You are tender, fragile flower…

I am glad you don’t see me now