We talked again. On the phone. Multiple times.
Hearing his voice after a long year felt somehow.. strange. Almost foreign. I used to think he and Cloud sounded so similar.. When I spoke to Cloud on the phone for the first time, I got so emotional. The deep voice, the accent .. It was as if it was Johannes on the other line again. The entire time, my heart was wrapped in a familiar kind of warmth.. And then he'd say something Johannes would never say, and it would nudge me back to reality. That it was a different person in my ears. But now, having spoken to Johannes again, I was almost dumbfounded to hear how stark the difference is..
"Did you finally go on a holiday?" I asked. "You said it’s been so long since you had one and you wanted to go."
"No.."
"No? Why not?"
"Heh? Because I have no one to go with."
The answers I’d been dying to know were finally laid in my hands. However, I would only get to how it all went after I publish the private or unfinished entries I should’ve posted a long time ago. For some reason, I can't seem to move forward unless I lay it all bare..
Like how I could only manage to open my heart up to someone new after writing those two long letters I never sent to Patch. Or how I only felt truly free after writing "Goodbye, My Almost Lover", which bled out everything I felt for Chace.
And now, to get to the heart of this mess, I need to go back three years.
Back to 2022.
Back when I was still crazy about the English Viking: Rollo.
Because somehow… it all circles back to him.
"So? A lot of people travel solo," I argued.
"Well, I’m not one of those people," he shot back. "Besides, why do I even need to travel? I have my balcony to chill in."
"You can’t swim in your balcony."
"That’s true," he laughed. "I have a bathtub, though."
"Is it big?"
"No. But at least I have one."
I chuckled at the recollection of how he loved bathing so much. "How about your bestfriend, Rolloliyo—" My eyes widened as the word tumbled out of my mouth. Shit. "I mean—Rollo," I quickly corrected myself. "Rollo, Rollo, Rollo," I repeated like an idiot, hoping he didn’t catch the slip. But the guilt I’d buried since then resurfaced like a tide all the same. "Are you on good terms with him now?"
"Yeah, we are."
Huh. I wonder who reached out first..
"So you can travel with him."
"Hm. I suppose we could."
It's August now, but these calls.. They transpired last month—July. And I don't know if it's time's miraculous doing.. But after these exchanges, I realised something.
I feel I’m being too harsh on Johannes.
Yes, you read it right. Perhaps I’m healing ..
Looking at everything without the lens of anger, I can finally assess it all with a fairer state of mind.
I wasn’t always the victim. If anything, I wronged him first.
Even with the weight in my chest when it was his turn to hurt me.. Even with all the pain, hatred, and hostility I’ve felt toward him.. there’s always been this lingering thought in the back of my mind:
Maybe this is all just karma. And that I deserve every bit of it ..