Dear Diary,
Some nights, the silence is so loud it feels like it’s pressing on my chest. I lie there, staring at the ceiling, wondering how we went from everything to nothing. How someone who felt like my forever is now just a ghost in my life.
For the sake of this letter, let’s call her Aarika.
I don’t even know where to start. It feels like someone ripped my chest open and left my heart bleeding, and yet the world just keeps moving like nothing happened. I keep seeing you in my head — your face, your voice, your laugh — and every time, it’s like a cruel reminder that you’re no longer mine. I keep wishing, begging in my mind, for you to come back, so we could fight for what we had… so we could be stubborn enough to make it work, no matter what.
I want you. Not just your presence, not just the good moments — I want all of you. I want you next to me when I’m happy, when I’m angry, when I’m falling apart. I want you in my arms when the world feels too heavy. I want you to stay — God, I just want you to stay.
But when you said you needed “more friends,” something inside me broke. The moment those words left your lips, they lodged themselves in my mind like glass shards. And when you added more male friends… it was like you slammed the door on everything I thought we were building. If the roles had been reversed — if I had said I needed more female friends — you’d have looked at me like I had betrayed you. So why was it different for you?
And of course, my mind spiraled. Was there someone from your past? Or was it someone new who made you feel something I couldn’t? I hate that I even have to wonder. I hate that I’m sitting here picturing you laughing at another man’s jokes, texting someone else late at night, giving away pieces of your heart that I thought belonged to me. I wanted to be the only man whose attention you cared for. Now I’m left asking myself a question that eats me alive: Did you ever truly want me? Or was I just a stop along the way?
You came into my life and showed me what love could feel like — and then, when I was at my lowest, when I was fragile and worn down, you left. You didn’t just leave — you twisted the knife first.
I know I wasn’t perfect before you. I know I used to be careless, reckless, chasing attention that didn’t matter. But with you, I was different. I tried. I loved. I gave you a version of me I didn’t even know existed. And the one woman I gave my heart to… became the one who broke it beyond repair.
I don’t know if I’ll ever send this letter. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to hear your voice again. I can’t even tell my mum — she loved you, cared for you, like you were already family. How do I tell her that you’re gone?
I’m not moving on from you — not in this lifetime. I might live decades more, but I’ll always be searching for the answer to the question that keeps me awake every night: Why wasn’t I enough?
That’s all for today. Just another day of my heart talking in circles, wishing for the one thing it can’t have.
I only hope the universe is kind enough to let me meet you again. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get the chance to hold you once more. ❤️