My back... hurts like hell. Oh, God... I feel injured. But I'm afraid I might just be overreacting, because if my sister had this, she would still be able to move around just fine. She's a mum, and for some reason, mums seem to possess some superhuman resilience. If she can handle a pain like this, then I have no reason to complain. Because that's how things are to her—if she can support something unpleasant, she expects every able adult to have the same tolerance for it. With this, her endurance makes mine feel fraudulent. But I am not strong! I've always been delicate. And with my current predicament, moving the wrong way hurts, bending the wrong way hurts, even breathing... Even breathing, I can feel the gnawing pain hammering up my spine.
I suspect it was from how I held my niece last night when I was putting her to sleep. For the first 15 minutes, it was comfortable. After that, I needed to move and change position, but the moment I did, she roused and started crying. So I stayed in place for several more minutes, and when I'd assume she was in deep sleep, I’d try to move again—but then she'd cry again. So my body ended up twisted for a long time. And after that, the upper left of my back began to hurt.
Fuck.
Perhaps if I'd get a fever with this, the witch would allow me some rest. Cos moving is truly, truly agonising... It's as if pain is a shadow trailing behind every gesture. Please, universe, let me have a fever! Cos to her, this pain ain't proof enough to warrant a break. My suffering should be seen and felt by an outsider.
We have no ice pack here, so I'm settling for frozen contents inside a glass container. At the moment, I have my back pressed on it against the wood of the chair I'm sitting in. The first few minutes, the contact felt piercingly sharp I had to shut my eyes so tight to keep my tears from coming out. Every now and then, slowly, I'd roll the glass between my spine and the back of the chair with side-to-side movements. The coldness and alternative massage it provides now give a little bit of relief. In an hour, I have to walk and play with my niece outside. Ugh. I really don't want to move so much, let alone run.
The pain, bitter and malevolent, welcomes so much negativity designed to shroud my energy, my thoughts... And I hate myself for the stupid decisions I consciously and impulsively made that still have me tethered to this set-up. If I had only been financially smarter, I would've been out of here last year. I love my niece, but I am sick of the constant crying, the constant nagging, the constant entertaining, the constant cleaning up... One would think that being good with children—which comes with the nature of my job—would naturally make me desire to have a child of my own. No. If anything, this experience only further cements my defiance of conforming to the timeline and "purpose" society has decided for women.
Of course, I'm saying this because I am in pain right now and full of negativity. I still acknowledge the days when I catch myself longing for a family, though such snippets are not of frequent occurrence. One time. And one man. There was only one man who managed to stir my once-firm conviction of never having a child. And such a conviction, strong and obstinate, was altered, not as a matter of duty, but genuine desire. Not out of expectation, but from a love so fierce, it awakened something ancient in my womanhood. And with this, therefore, I came to a conclusion: if I were to have a child, it must be with a man I love so dearly and wholeheartedly. Otherwise, I wouldn't love it as much. Perhaps this thinking would change if such a time comes. But that's how I feel about it right now.
Still.. it's sad how you long for something, yet .. when you close your eyes, you see no future in store for yourself. At all. Because honestly? If the world were to end right about now, I wouldn't mind in the slightest. Not the slightest bit. If I got struck by lightning.. Or hit by a bus. Or shot by a stray bullet right through my skull with the speed and mercy of finality.