Dear Diary, so last saturday was pretty good. I finally got out of my hometown again after being stuck here for so long. It all began when I found out that my old school crush P aka Keira had a dance perfomance in the big city near me. I have made a habit of googling her name every once in a while, now that she is a professional dancer usually together with the keyword "dance" or "Tanz" in German.
This particular dance performance was part of a grand of some sort that P had aquired together with a friend from her dance university in denmark and another pair of dancers also women. This performance was only a test where both pairs show off what they had come up with in the last few months (not sure how long this goes). Since its not a full show it was free, anyone could go. There was a reservation, but I dont think it was obligatory.
So for a few weeks I went back and forth on whether I should actually go there. My main concern was that it might look like major stalking behaviour. In 2019 after I was rejected by knight I wrote P on facebook and told her how I felt back when we went to school. To my surprise she answered back then and said that she never noticed anything and doesnt know how she would have reacted if I told her back then. She was very positive in general saying she thought what I did was brave. But when I answered she never replied back. Since then I have seen her a couple of times at the station. One times was when I was going on a trip with Belle. I tried to talk with Belle about that experience but she didnt really understand what the big deal was. For Belle seeing some person you once liked didnt seem to be a grand occasion. Maybe thats how it is if youve been with a lot of people. Then again I am sure Belle would have had quite the reaction if she saw her ex again. But she would probably say it counts more cause there had been stuff between them.
Well anyway it was clear that if I go there, there was a bug chance she would see me. And what would she think then? There was no way for me to know of this performance except through online sleuthing of her name. Except pure chance of course. It would be clear that I had seeked her out specifically. And with what I told her 6 years ago it should be clear that K had been fostering some kind of obsession that was still ongoing. Now my obsession is not very severe in nature at all. I just want to know what is going on with her and I want to see her again. I think her new dance career is super cool and I want to see it in action. But for all she know I could have built an altar of worship of her. Still it was too good of an opportunity to pass so I decided to go. On further inspection of the venue it seemed that the hall was pretty big at least. Maybe I could blend into the crowd and disappear into the night again like I had always imagined this to go.
As I was lookkng through instagram where I follow a bunch of accounts connected to leftist groups here, mostly connected to the pro-palestine protests I attended last year, I saw that they would celebrate the African Liberation Day again this year. Last year around this time I was going to the Palestine Camp at my university and they had also invited us to the Liberation day. However since it happened simultaneously with the camp I elected to stay at the camp.
This year there hasnt been any signs of a camp yet so I wanted to relive some of those experiences and attend the Libaration Day. As it happened it was on the same day as the dance. The Day started at 13:00 and the dance at 17:00. So I planned to stay at the Day until 16:00 and take the tram over to the dance. As Fate would have it the locations were connected by the same tram line even though they are on opposite sides of the city centre. Travel time was about 30 minutes.
So on that day after a mostly uneventful ride I arrived at the location of the liberation day. It was a surprisingly nice neighborhood considering this event was organized by revolutionary socialists who want to overthrow capitalism. It was at the harbor next to the river in a nice looking office building. Dont know how they secured that place but I liked it. I arrived a little bit early at around 12:50 I'd say.
There werent many people there yet so I just stood around for a while waiting for everybody to arrive. They had around 100 seats with pamphlets stating the program. After a while I took a seat and waited. It was pretty clear that they would start later than originally planned. At around that time a cute girl came in that immediately grabbed my attention. There were a few others around most of them black and also cute, but she looked very unusual. She wasnt black, but still looked vaguely like she had some imigration history. But most striking she had these stars painted all over her face and her hair colored in different shades of blonde. I assume the stars were make up not tattoos but they looked really cool. She was quite short in stature and overall scrawny fitting my type. After she looked around for a while she took seat directly behind me and I immediately wondered if she did it on purpose.
So this set me up for a bit of a dilemma. I wanted to leave in 3 hours to go to the dance, but if I stayed at the Liberation day there would be a get together with free food and music where I could maybe get to know that girl... It really was a shame that this great opportunity to meet P again had to be on the same day as this.
Well about the actual program. It was pretty interesting. After some delays there was a presentation about panafricanism and the socialist goals of the black panthers. I already knew all about this, but I think it was necessary for anyone who just stumbled into this by some coincidence. Although most of the people there were probably regulars. Basically panafricanism means that they want to shed the artificial borders european conlonial powers have decided upon the continent. These were set up in complete disregard of actual tribal territories. It was basically just a bunch of old dudes in Berlin and London deviding the land between them like a birthday cake. The black panthers want a united africa that is free from capitalism and can use its natural resources sustainably for itself. Right now most african countrys are kept in a neo-colonial system to exloit them. They were forced to take on huge debts from institutions like the World Bank and now have to export their resources and implement terrible working conditions in order to be allowed credit.
After that there was some poetry. The artist chose to read poems from palestinian artists due to the current genocide and some from Sudan. It was pretty moving. After this there was a presentation from a few comrades who visited West Sahara which is currently violently occupied by Marocco. This is a conflict nobody ever talks about so it was very interesting to hear about. Its crazy how many mines and walls the maroccan government has built to keep the population from returning and fighting. And of course this whole system was engineered by Spain and later inherited by Marocco to exploit resources. Its always us europeans I swear we are the scum of the earth.
I am very interested in colonial history so I very much enjoyed the presentation, but it was almost time to go. During the break I ate a pretzel and put some money into their collection container. Apparently it was for some garden project in Ghana. I couldnt talk to that girl, a friend of hers had shown up and they were deep in conversation. Overall I really admired the comradery of these people. I wish I could be a natural part of a community like this. I know migrants have it tough and I enjoy white privilege etc. but I wish I could be part of a group like this just because I was born into similar circumstances. Somebody like me doesnt have any real community because mainstream german culture just sucks. Even the alternative scene doesnt feel like I belong there. Well all I can do is support the causes of what I feel like is right and to determine that you usually have to listen to the disenfranchised who endure the most racism.
Well i had to leave and go to the dance. The train ride went very smoothly. I knew the general area of the dance theatre, but it still kind of surprised me to find it in such an industrial place next to a car dealership or something. I even had trouble finding it at first because it was so tucked away and didnt look like a place of culture. More like a modern blacksmiths place or sth. When I arrived I was immediately greeted by a small crwod that had gathered there. Not literally greeted of course. Children ran around too playing with these bands they like to use in gymnastics. The audience was decidedly whiter than at the place I had just been too. In fact they were all white people with kind of a "parents who are also into sophisticated culture" kind of look. There were a bunch of leaflets for other cultural events too. And there also seemed to be a small kind of restaurant or bar looking a bit old fashioned like it was put together in the 80s or something.
With nothing to do until the start of the performance I just stood in a corner. At any moment I expected P to show up either in front of me or behind me so I was a bit on edge. I was wearing a black button up shirt by the way. I think I look pretty good in it, it was probably fitting for both of the events. P did not show up while I waited. But someone else did.
She is Ps friend from school I will call her Mona. I still see Mona maybe once a week as she still lives in the same town as me. I have never ever talked to her. I think she also went to university in the same city as me as I sometimes saw her taking the train with me in the morning. I dont know a lot about her as she was not in the same class as me, pretty much only her name and that she was very good friends with P. They always hung out together and I remember seeing on facebook back in the day that they visited all sorts of cultural events together. Mona is probably one of the few women my age still living in my town. She has slightly curly black hair and wears glasses.
When Mona arrived I was standing with my back to her. But when she walked past me she visibly turned her head in a short moment of surprise. It only lasted two seconds until she walked past me. I was surprised to see her too, but I dont think I let any of that show. At this point I was already bracing myself for P to show up so I was determined to just be the unrelated audience member. As I was waiting I also went to the toilet quickly cause I hadnt had the opportunity at the Liberation Day. I only mention it because they actually had only Unisex bathrooms. A big indication for how high they value inclusivity. I randomly picked one. It was empty but when I washed my hands a woman came in and I think she was a bit distressed to see a man in the same bathroom. I thought it was an interesting situation, although I could see women having a different opinion.
About 10 minutes after the supposed starting time we were invited in. The director (?) was actually the only non-white person there, looking east asian maybe chinese. The stage was clearly a repurposef industrial hall. It was quite large and there was a big podium with seats. However we were not supposed to sit there. They had prepared chairs on the stage itself in an area bordered off by a black curtain all around. Oh boy nowhere to hide. Furthermore there was going to be audience participation. Oh boy.
There were two rows so naturally I chose the back. I wasnt sure which side I should sit on, but I chose the one next to the entrance. Kind of a dumb choice since not soon after P entered the room. She walked by right past me and I only noticed her at that exact moment too. She hadnt taken the same entrance as us, coming from some kind of backstage area instead.
I think she recognized me? I think she stopped for a micosecond, but I only saw it in my peripheral vision. Again I acted like a normal audience member. I had no idea if I should greet her or not since I put myself in such an awkward position. So this is all I could come up with. Greeting her only would make things weirder. She continued onwards towards the other side of the second row and sat down next to Mona. Talking to her. Hope they werent talking about the creepy stalker on the other side haha. I have to say its impressive that they kept in contact. I only have contact to one of my highschool friends anymore. So since P had moved away I didnt expect her to still talk to Mona. Maybe women are bettee at this idk. Very glad for them though.
The other audience members came in too including like 5 or 6 children. Right next to me sat a dad with a 2-3 year old boy. They had bean bags on the front for the kids too, again very inclusive. Then the director lady came and introduced us to what we would see. Pretty soon the first group of performers took over though.
They were actually a group of 4 not just 2, I think 2 of them were invited to perform with them. Probably because their act was also about inclusivity and consent. They said it was designed to be performed by blind people alongside seeing people and one of the extra dancers was blind. The other one had down syndrome. She introduced herself with "Im xyz and I like fruit and vegetables" They also described everything they wore in a lot of detail, probably to give visually impaired people a better grasp on what was going on. They translated everything they said into english after every part and they avoided gendered expressions, which you have to do quite delibaretly in German. I think the blind one was nonbinary. They looked like they were biologically more male though.
They showed us these long stretchy bands they would use for their performance and gave us some to try. Then they started the dance. Most of it was about attaching the band to the metal radiators on the wall and then wrapping them around themselves.
They started to perform different actions like twirling around with the band, going back and stretching it to bounce back or balancing on it with their feet. The whole time they would announce what they were doing. The bands symbolized their attachment to life I think. At the end they all unravelled themselves and broke free. They did two more performances with the bands. In both they interacted together entangling each other in their bands or rebounding on the stretched bands. Here the focus on consent was more noticable because they would always ask each other what they could do to each other and the other person would say yes or no.
At one point the kid next to me jumped from his dads lap and watched very closely almost at where the action was happening. There was music too, that probably helped. Also one of the performers was quite cute, she was quite a stunning blonde and the most athletic of them. She would do more crazy stuff like wheels which was fun.
Then it was Ps and her partners turn. They also explained their concept in both German and English. P did the German. It was the first time I had heard her voice in 10 years. It was quite strange. Im not sure if I remembered it differently or if her voice had changed. It sounded deeper. She always had quite a distinct voice, a little bit awkward. I kept on watching like a normal audience member would. I didnt stare at her and when the other girl spoke I looked at her instead. I didnt want to stare. She also didnt look at me abnormally and she was just the usual amount of nervous and didnt seem disturbed by me or anything. Maybe she hadnt noticed me after all. They did not do the whole explaining their clothes bit. P was wearing a black t-shirt and silver shorts though. And she was barefoot. I could see the har on her legs as expected. Nice.
They explained that after their graduation they didnt quite know what to do and that this performance represented their feelings at that stage in their lives. But first they invited us to join an audience exercise. All we had to do was sit on the ground or stay in the chair if it wasnt possible. I sat down with crossed legs on the floor a little to the side of the chairs where I could see P. She said that we should imagine ourselves as rocks being really really heavy and really notice our connection to the ground. She didnt say anything but I closed my eyes. It was very relaxing like a ASMR video in real life. And it was performed by my old crush, how wonderful. She went on how we should imagine ourselves as stones in a rockformation. And after a while she introduced a "very gentle" earthquake that caused us heavy rocks to sway back and forth slightly in our own rhythm. She also suggested us to observe the rhythm of other people and maybe synchronize if we want. This went on for like 10 minutes and it was really nice and relaxing. Their performance was also called Rock Bottom and in their actual dance they seemed to resemble tumbling rocks. So I guess this was to get us into that headspace.
After this they performed their actual piece. Which featured quite a bit if music. At first it was very calm. Accompanied by this all they did was lie on top of each other at first. P was lying on top and this continued for what felt like 5-10 Minutes. A lot of time to keep staring at her butt. After that long calmness they slowly began to move and roll on top of each other in different ways always keeping the contact and never standing up. The music got more exciting too slowly shifting to heavy metal. They began rolling around faster and faster until they could only keep each other together by grabbing the others clothes with their hands. It turned more and more violent until they finally seperated and started acting like wild beasts hissing and intimidating each other. After that period the music changed once again they became more playful and startes connecting again, starting their rocktumbling again. They slowed down rolling to the other side of the black curtain. Half way on the other side they stopped. Which was the end of the performance. We all clapped.
I quite liked her performance. They clearly had explored a lot of possibilities to roll around like that. And the music was cool too. Also seeing your highschool crush writhe around on the floor for 30 minutes is quite hot. I recommend it. Wish I could have done that with her too haha.
After the performance there apparently was some kind of get together/feedback oppirtunity. I stayed for about 10 minute after they were done watching. Everybody talk and the kids play with the bands from the first part. P was talking to some people. Not to Mona she was somewhere else. I didnt know what to do it was clear that she wouldnt talk to me and I didnt know what to say either. Good Performance? Hm. I dont know if it was the right choice but aftee a while I just left. P had her back turned currently so she probably didnt see me leave. I disappeared like I had planned to. Maybe that was the wrong choice. I didnt want to make things any more awkward. It was nice though I am glad I went. And maybe if this was just a test there will be a full perfromance? I would probably go again even if it costs money. I mean its ok to go to a public performance right. Maybe I can just be her fan or something. She looked very healthy and happy and I am very glad she is pursuing something that seems to fulfill her. On one of the photos from her university she looked a bit unhealthy so I am glad thats not the case anymore. Yeah lets see what happens.