Dear Diary,
I am still playing my role in this world.
And still using you to paint its picture for all of us.
Trying to do that is part of my role. Playing the role to my best is a responsibility.
Random thoughts begin.
Since you are my only current lover I might as well share a few crappy things about the publicly visible part of my life that I've still not come to accept at 37. Maybe they're temporary as some say that time has been moving faster since Covid. One of them as you already know is the damn white growth on my beard and the other is: small ear hair if you look closely enough.
I find it rather ugly how life turns out when you are as single as me. You know it from my first note on you. If it were otherwise, maybe I could find some sense of happiness when I see, for example, someone I used to have a crush for in school, now grown into something entirely different. At my place it seems ugly, maybe because I didn't get anything. Maybe I wasn't daring enough, losing out on adventurous stuff I could have done back then.
One might write one's whole life here and share it later with someone if one finds the someone who is worth it.
I wish there was some source of love that still existed. Interactions or a young family environment to support me and give me peace when I'm breaking. I'm not saying that would stop the thing that's breaking me but at least it would be fair because now I respect love and understand its superiority over the need of logic, thoughts and control. Maybe thoughts and logic are just illusions given by our evil system but no one will ever break this to you. Even you won't be able to break it to yourself because that would prove that your whole past was a life of lies and that you are stupid. Life is life. Even if you're failing to "control" yours. Even if there's no "logic".
My prime minister is in a state of initialising a war against the neighbouring nation, which goes against his nature. But how important is that? I don't understand why governments don't give a damn for virgin people over 35 like me. Why is there not a public scheme to get married. This might sound funny to you, dear diary.
Please censor this but it's just one of the controversial theories that goes on in my mind. Or maybe I'll use "opposite sex" instead of "women". All the world is finally realised as a business of urges and impulses spread by such nature of the evil opposite sex. It is realised so maybe because the observer has himself fallen weak. The fulfillment of desires by the opposite sex is all he can see. It is done mostly in an indirect way, that is to say that the one who acts never appears like the real actor. The unimaginable size of the ego of the opposite sex should not be questioned. I wish there was more spiritual knowledge amongst us, to let the opposite sex know that it is necessary to be good to acquire our miserable sex in the next life.
Some time this week found me wondering about how life passes by. Why I never enjoyed riding a fast motorcycle of my dreams. Why didn't I get a girl. As a child I thought something and reality showed me something else. What if I buy a motorcycle now, at this time. But that is just one small part of all that could be my life.
The trend of single females in a large boys accommodation hasn't left my "developing nation" yet. I'll recall two sightings of this phenomenon in my life. Once when I was working away from my hometown in a rented flat. Three of us, each in their own room. The city wasn't mostly friendly to be honest but that's how we do when we're not at home. Typical corporate cultured flowing through three souls. One of us gets engaged, brings his fiancee to the house! Now I don't (want to?) understand the reason of my sorry state in matters of this taste and maybe you'll say I'm not good looking, but this was the first such incident and got me as much crazy as was expected of me. Maybe I'll talk about the details later someday. The second instance was more recent, in a gents accommodation! One or two girls were staying in a gents accommodation. I guess once I even saw a male donkey interacting with those females, serving them of course. In this same accommodation I once talked to a guy from this new generation or whatever lol. The coolness with which he talked about his sex and dating life was firing up the war between my superficial calmness and my pathetic history inside and the discrimination done by life in these matters was acting like a catalyst. It's really hard at times.
This website works weirdly sometimes, hiding public notes from fellow writers.