Dear Diary,
It hurts the most that there is no hope left.
Before, even through resentment, through pain, somewhere deep inside, a tiny “what if?” still flickered. What if things could be fixed? What if you could laugh again, unburdened by the past? What if, someday, you would find your way back to each other? But now you know - that will never happen. And the finality of it tears you apart.
And so you are left without friendship, without love, and without hope that any of it will ever return. Just emptiness. Just the cold certainty that nothing can be undone. And perhaps that is the most terrifying part.
You will curse them. In your thoughts, in the silence of the nights, in those moments when you wish they could feel even a fraction of the pain they caused you. And though it will change nothing, though it will not bring back the friendship or the love, at least for a fleeting second, it will give you the illusion of justice. For a brief moment, it will remind you that your feelings mattered. For just an instant, it will make the pain a little less unbearable.
And he does not write (although you told him to write when he has time). He does not ask how you are. He does not care about what’s left inside you after everything. He simply vanished, leaving behind only words that now feel like mockery.
“I love you,” “I wouldn’t want to lose you” - but if that had been true, he would have acted. He would have done something. Instead - silence. As if everything he said was just a meaningless string of sounds, weightless and empty. As if it never really mattered what he left behind in you.
On the other hand, perhaps it’s resentment speaking within you, and in truth, you should thank him for disappearing. It’s better for him not to linger and stir up more hatred and disgust than to keep fueling feelings that have no hope.