Dear Diary,
My first job that I applied for didn’t take me. I had another one today but it seems like they are probably not going to hire me. I have been applying like crazy. I really need a job. It’s getting to the point where I’m really stressed that I don’t have one. I had good first day back to school though. It was nice to keep my mind busy and not have to think so much. I made some new acquaintances and that was nice. Hopefully we get to know each other to the point where we can be friends. I was able to listen to the song my ex gave me while we were together without getting really sad and I see that as a big success. I feel like it’s a sign that I am finally starting to move on. I mean...it’s a really good song and I want to listen to it without getting majorly sad. I still haven’t heard anything from the police since I called them until they answered which was about a month ago. We are coming up onto the full year mark in may. If they haven’t done anything for a full year I am going to be beyond pissed. I don’t care if they are the police I am going to point out their bullshit. How they have taken a year to do nothing for a serious police report. I was raped and sexually assaulted for fucks sake. No one is taking it fucking seriously. No one realizes how damaging it has been. I’ve been wearing my safety keychain again and I just feel like I have taken a major step back in healing ever since I broke up with Lucas. Not going to lie my roommate seems a little pissed at me for something but I am not really sure what it is. Best if I stay out of the dorm all day tomorrow. I need to anyway I have been spending too much time in my dorm. I’m not sure what to do tomorrow. I have homework that I am going to do but since it is the beginning of the semester there is only so much I can do. I also earned my food learners permit today which I am super happy about. It took about three hours but I just binged the entire thing and finished it. Fucking police. Not doing their job. They are out making sure people are not doing California stops at stop signs while my abuser is out there and married, maybe with a kid. Like Jesus Christ he is dangerous!! He is a dangerous monster that is on the loose. I need to do fucking something. I can’t let him get away with this. He can’t fucking walk away without any consequences!!! HE CAN’T JUST WALK AWAY LIKE THAT!!! He can’t just leave me here crumbling and just go on his merry way and never give me a second thought ever again while he is always in the back of my mind every single second. Damn police! What the fuck are they doing??? I know these investigations take time but for me to call them and them telling me they have done absolutely nothing??? And Lucas not taking it seriously. Him using me. HIM USING ME AFTER WHAT I WENT THROUGH!!! A GIRL WHO WAS RAPED!! A girl who went through the most traumatizing thing of her life. A girl who is now questioning her worth. Questioning if at this point if she is worth anything at all. If I will always be seen as some sort of prostitute. Someone who can be manipulated easily and can be left in the dust with no consequences. I keep getting stabbed in the back over and over and over. Not just by my past relationships but other people who weren’t there for me when I needed them to. My mom telling me not to tell anyone. I thought she was trying to protect me but when she made it clear to especially not tell family I realized she was just trying to save her own skin. She didn’t want her family to think of her as a failure. She didn’t care about me. My parent’s weren’t there when I needed them. I had to carry this burden by myself. I stopped going to my therapist after she told me it didn’t matter if he raped me or not. I can’t believe after me and Lucas broke up he had the audacity to text me saying how he would still be a loyal friend and will be there for me. If he couldn’t be loyal and be there for me when I needed him as a boyfriend how can I trust him to be there for me as a friend. I left him on read. I know break ups are supposed to be like the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But to be honest I feel like I have gone from depression to just straight anger. Because I am fucking angry. I am still angry at all the guys I have dated because all of them dated me for the same reason. Because they wanted a girlfriend and since I was a good friend I seemed like a good candidate. I should have put down Lucas’s offer to date after he said I “fit all the requirements”. Like what the hell?? I’m not a list to be checked off. I should have just stood up and left right then and there. This is why I have lost faith in having guy friends. All of them just see an opportunity to get with the girl they are friends with. I have like three guy friends that I am sure are not like that. All the others I am staring to hardcore question. To be honest at this point I should just be friends with gay guys because I would know they are with me for me and not for a chance to be fucked. I want to just be fucking loved and respected! Is that too much to fucking ask for??? Apparently. Damn I just went on a tangent. Anyway I just hope for the best.
P.S. Thanks heder for the love and concern. I'm just trying to cope with this fucking train wreck lol. Thanks for listening.