Dear Diary,
To be honest I have searched everywhere to see if I could find an online website that has public dairies/journals. I have a a long and big personal story that I want to share and have as many people see as possible. This is to help people not feel alone, to let them know that they can get through it. They don't have to be in a similar situation then me but for anyone who has been in a hard situation I want to let them know they can do this. That they are strong and that they can do this. A part of me wants to write out of spite. I want to out the people who wronged me. A part of me also wants to write because I want to be heard. There are people in my life who have heard and been there, but too many people haven't. The people who matter the most weren't there to hear or be there for me. This online platform is small but it is a place to start. Not going to lie while my life has been a train wreck hopefully it has some good tea and content for people to read as well. I won't be offended. This is quite the story so buckle up and I might not be able to finish it all tonight. It all started when I was 16. I worked at a Taco Bell and ran into this boy. He seemed nice enough and me and him started talking and getting a long, becoming good friends for a week or two. Then late at night he texts me saying how he likes me and how he wants to date and I am extatic. I never thought anyone would want to date me. A girl who has a little extra weight and has never seen herself as pretty. I accept and we begin dating. I was a girl who comes from a Mormon background (a religion) and has been taught to never give myself to anyone before marriage and thats how I wanted it to be. Almost right away he was pushy. He wanted me to do this or do that and I wasn't sure. I just went along with it, telling myself that this is what couples do. I never wanted to do those things but I did. There were times where I told him I didn't want to do something and he would get frusterated, saying how I always change my mind on things. There were times where I made it very clear that I didn't want to do something and he would still do it to the point I just gave up. I know this is sexual assault now but I didn't know what to think of it then. Then it crossed a line. Me and him made it very clear that we wouldn't have sex. I didn't want to have sex before marriage and I made sure he understood that and he said he did and even agreed with me. One night he came to my house and we went into my room, just the two of us even though it was against my parents rules. I thought how it wouldn't matter and how I was just showing him something real fast and it would be done. It didn't go that way though. I don't know if this site takes down certain pages but here we go. He raped me. He did. I froze. I let him do that to me. I finally snapped out of it and walked out of my room him asking what was wrong. He realized what he did and apologized. I didn't know what to think of it. At the time I didn't know it was rape. He left and I sat there numb until he called me after he was done with work. He even admitted to how he raped me. I didn't want to see it like that. I didn't want to admit it was so I told him how it was fine and how it was just an accident. It wasn't an accident. We were still together for another two months before I broke up with him. He was driving me back to my place after a horrible hang out of him just wanting to make out and touch me. I went inside my house and realized I didn't want to do this anymore. I called Nick (his name) and told him I was done and how I was going to tell my mom how we had sex. I ended the phone call and went to my mom and broke down, saying how me and Nick had sex. I was so scared because, again, I came from a religious family and I was worried my mom would punish me in some way. She then asked the question I wished I answered truthfully to. Should I call the police? I said no and said how it was fine and how he didn't force me to when in reality he did. I cried and cried and that week was rough. Something people don't realize unless you have gone through something similar is how hard it is to move on from your abuser. People think it is so obvious to just leave and never look back but it doesn't work like that. A week after the break up I texted him and we reconnected. We dated in secret for a couple months, meeting up in secret and texting in secret. Everything we did was in secret. I finally told my parents how we were still talking and, obviously, they were angry. They didn't want me talking to Nick which makes sense. They saw what I couldn't and could see he wasn't good for me.I thought I found the love of my life and didn't want to let go. They banned us from seeing each other and it put a big strain on me and my parents relationship. It ended with me trying to be the peacemaker between Nick and my parents and it was exhausting. I tried all I could but they hated each other. And then there was the actual relationship between me and Nick. It was far from healthy and it hurt my mental health so badly that all my friends saw something was wrong. He was manipulative and is an awful human being. He was the definition of a narcissist. He always made himself the victim, blaming everything on me and saying how I wasn't doing anything to convince my parents to let us see each other. I told him how I was scared to ask my parents and how I was just scared of my parents in general and he would pull the I guess you don't love me card. We would still meet in secret but those never ended good. It ended with fights of him saying how I wasn't trying hard enough for us to be able to see each other without having to sneak around. Nick was also jealous. He was very very jealous of every single person I came in contact with. I did ballroom at the time and that requires me to dance with guys but he was so jealous that he actually got mad at me for something I couldn't control. He did this weird manipulation tactic where he would say he wouldn't have any friends that were girls because he wanted to be loyal and din't want me to be jealous. I told him over and over that it is totally fine to have girls that are friends and I even encouraged him to. He never did. In return this made me feel guilty about having most of my friends be guys and I started to isolate myself even more. We would get into fights every other day and it started being a real guessing game. Whenever I get a notification saying he texted me I would hold my breath, wondering if it was going to be him love bombing me or him being angry about a little thing or something that made absolutely no sense. There are so many examples of him doing this but it would take to long to type out. It was all just a guessing game with him, not knowing what to do. Listen to the song "one step forward, three steps back" by Olivia Rodrigo and that summarizes it pretty well. He would asl bring up every single little argument we have had in our relationship and use it against me. More then half I didn't even remember and din't know how they were valid for the present conversation. He would never let go of the past and loved bringing up more reasons on why I was wrong. Finally, my mom said I would be able to date Nick if I took birth control, just because she was worried about me getting pregnant as a teen. This made sense to me and I have really horrible and heavy periods that I was sick of and thought it was the perfect solution. Nick didn't think so. He actually got angry. He said that he didn't want me taking birth control and I was so confused. If I did then we would be able to see each other in person. He then started talking about how horrible birth control is and how there were too many side affects and it turns out that out of nowhere he was now an expert on the subject. I told him that I was fine with taking birth control but he wasn't. He then told me that if I did take birth control he would refuse to date me. This meant that there was no way for me to date him then. Without birth control my mom wouldn't let us but with birth control he wouldn't let us. At this point in time I quit Taco Bell and was working at an aquarium. We were texting at work when he said this and lets just say that I had a pretty big meltdown because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to keep both parties happy. It was a ride and I didn't know what to do. But then one day my mom tells me me and Nick can date without me taking birth control. We celebrate and go on our actual first date in the first time in months. She said that if we were going to date then there were a couple rules. The two main ones to remember are that if either one of us was feeling suicidal, we would take a break. The second one was no super sexual contact which I was fine with. There were others but they aren't important for this story. We go on our first date and it ended in disaster. It ended with him sexually assaulting me. He knew I didn't want to do sexual contact and I went over the rules with him but he still did it. I left immediately and went home, lying to my mom how it went great. We went on a couple more dates that had incidences but we don't need to get into those. All this was really lying on my shoulders. I didn't know what to do. It came to the point where I got super depressed and could barely get off the couch to do things. I didn't want to continue anymore. Remember the first rule? I didn't want to tell Nick I was feeling this way because we would hav to take a break and that would end in a disaster. He could tell something was wrong and pried it out of me. We were texting while I was at school for context. We did not go to the same school. I told him how I was feeling suicidal and instead of comforting me or something he goes.... "why the hell do you feel this way, you have no reason to feel this way." Those were the exact words. I was so hurt. I opened up and he...he handled it in one of the worst ways possible. That ended in quite the disaster. Don't worry though I did get the help I need and I am doing much better. Anyway, There are so many other things that happened but, again, it would take forever to write out. Finally....I broke up with him for the last time. I was done putting up with his bull crap and ended it. I tell him we are done and block his number. A week later he texts me on a different phone number, saying how he sent me and email. I never respond to the email or the text but I did read it. It was paragraphs upon paragraphs of him telling me how I was the one who ruined everything and how I was the one who was the messed up one. Again, I ignored and never answered and blocked that number too. A week later I get a call from an unknown phone number. I thought it could be from my tutor so I answered and said hello? There was just silence when I hear him say hi. I freeze. I say don't ever contact me ever again and hang up. I can't believe he literally made another number to contact me with. I freak out and it was really scary. The rape happened two years ago and we broke up a year ago and I still watch behind my back. We were together for a whole year, a year full of nothing but pain and torture. My mental health was in the drain and I didn't know what to do. I am still ashamed of this but I did get a rebound boyfriend about two months later. He was a guy I knew from school named Max and we became good friends. He confessed how he liked me over text and I said I liked him back. I felt safer with him because he was very mormon which I thought would mean he would treat me better. I was wrong. I made it clear to him what happened to me. How my previous boyfriend used me as a sex toy and never loved me and was awful and how this made me hesitant towards physical touch. I thought he understood this. Overtime he got really pushy and said how he was impatient on how I didn't want to do as much physical contact and that made me mad since it seemed like that was all we ever did when we hung out. I ended it quickly. My feelings were and still are very hurt. I opened up to him and he didn't care. At this point in time I was seeing that what Nick did was probably illegal. I was seeing a therapist throughout all this and at our last session I say how I think what Nick did to me was actually rape. She then goes either way it doesn't matter and that was the last session I ever had with that therapist. I tried opening up to my parents but they weren't there for me. There was a point in time where my mom said its been three months you should be over Nick by now. That hurt. So in secret I spent hours sifting through me and Nicks old texts, screenshotting, and putting on google docs. I put the email too. I then printed out 32 pages of text messages and had a good timeline with me and finally went to the police at the beginning of the summer of 2024 (I was no longer working at the aquarium). They took my report and after two months a detective was finally put on my case. It has been about half a year and they still haven't done anything. I don't think they believe me. I went through hell for a year and Nick did those things to me and they are doing nothing. I am hoping and am still going to check in but I realized I can't have too high of hopes. In August 2024 I went to college scared for my life. I bought a taser and pepper spray and was watching every guys move. I was not trusting. I then met a guy name Lucas. We hung out for a month and became good friends when he asked me out by text. I was really getting sick of that by then but listened to what he had to say. By this point he knew about my past relationships and overtime he learned more detail. At this point I haven't dated anyone for seven months. At first the relationship was great but overtime things declined. He kept making excuses about why he wasn't planning dates and I began planning our weekly date. I would pay for almost everything too and I was getting frusterated. I remember this one time he brought up sex and I freaked out. At this point I knew I had PTSD from Nick and was so scared of this kind of intimacy. Lucas knew this too. I freaked out and started crying and opened up how I was so scared of being objectified again and how I was so scared to be used again. he said he understood and dropped the topic. The next day not going to lie I was a little scared of Lucas. I was worried about what his actual intensions were. I was scared if he was with me because he wanted to use me or if he was with me because he actually liked me. I had a pretty bad panic attack and was very shaky that day. I recovered and we continued on with our relationship. At this point I was finally getting the help I needed and am still seeing people for help. Whenever me and Lucas made out or whatever sometimes I would get overstimulated and needed to take a break or I would get triggered. He knew this and I told him what I was fine and not fine with and would tell him when I needed a break. Sometimes it was indevidable and I would end up having a panic attack and was done with making out for the day. Then one day a panic attack hit hard and a memory flashed back into my mind. A specifically bad one. It was like I was back in Nick's dark basement, alone, with just him. It took me a second to calm down and to be honest I asked these questions because I wanted reassurance. I asked him if he was mad at me for having a panic attack and he said no but said it in a weird tone. I asked if we was annoyed at me having a panic attack and he didn't answer. I started to get worried and I asked again and he said he didn't know how to answer that. I left immediately, angry and sad and scared. We texted and decided to take the night to sleep and meet up the next day. We did and it was awful. He told me how I was having a panic attack every single time we made out and he was annoyed at it because it would mean I was done making out for the day. He said how if things didn't improve by the end of christmas break that he would break up with me. He basically gave me until the end of christmas break to fix my PTSD. At this point I was doing better. I wasn't having panic attacks as frequently and was seeing freaking three different people for my problems that I haven't talked about since the break up with me and Nick. I know I have pretty bad anxious attachment and I was so scared of being abandoned that I was willing to fix it. In the conversation he kept saying weird things but something that really stuck out was when he said how all this was weighing on him and that if he just pushed those weighted feelings away he would just see me as an object. That hurt. All this hurt. I opened up to him about my life and how this was hard and how I am trying my best to figure this out but in the end he just wanted me for sex. I knew that was it. I knew in the end all he wanted was to have sex with me. I broke up with him and that was two weeks ago. Of course more happened but this is the summary. So theres my train wreck for you. But some tea that I did get is that Nick is now married with a girl he started dating with right after me and him broke up, dated her for a month, proposed, and they are now married. The police have still done nothing.