It's been a lot of time and there are a lot of updates.Let's start with USA.
Few days ago when navid asked me, if i am coming or not, i said, i dont feel like coming and i don't believe that i can get the passport renewed and then get the US visa also. Unbelievable.
Then one afternoon when i did not have 100 things in mind, the thought of being lucky came to my mind and i remembered the video i saw about being lucky can sometimes be a choice and it starts with a belief and a small action. Believe that it can be just possible and take a small action, just try it dont be disappointed even if it doesn't work.
I did that, i wasn't hopeful, neither hopeless about getting the visa.
At times, i was getting too excited about my image, how mama, my family and friends will think of me, when i say to them i am going to US. It's a big thing, none of my close friends or family every went there. But i was always aware and kept my excitement in check. I am happy with myself about it. And yes, i got lucky again.
This bday, i'll be in dallas and exactly 2 weeks after, i'll be sitting with Meera, grabbing a beer, somewhere in SF. I am going to see silicon valley. I am excited about that.
She came as a total lifesaver. Had she not been here, i would have sanked myself after things that happened with sarita.
There was a line in `before series` that when we are young we believe that, there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you realize it only happens a few times.
It is rare for people to bump into each other and connect so much, i think it only happens with rare probabilities. Anu was one such connect, i met her in socials and i just genuinely believed in time and space, i just went with the flow, not knowing/thinking about what was there for me in the future of it.
Later i realized how much we share, she studied psychology, learnt permaculture, loves cooking(she went to masterchef audition), she had flavorbox, she knew about blue apron, she likes dancing and she is not shallow, she understand things in their depths.
She sent food for us when mom wasn't here. She helped me in renewing our home. In very short span of time, i think we talked a lot, shared a lot of things.
However, one thing i was now understanding was the weight of expectations. I know, i know that relationships do come with expectation. But as individual, you have to have the strength and willingness to carry that weight (It comes with practice, mental acceptance, a lot of empathy and most importantly time).
I think i was now able to understand sarita's perspective better. How i was feeling, sarita probably felt somewhat same with different magnitude.
But i could not carry that weight, i could not give her what she desired and we fell apart.
It scares me a little, if i'll ever be ready to carry that weight, be able to be a good partner or i'll be alone. I don't know.
How i felt after sarita
I felt a little lost, but also understanding a lot of things.
I now thought about every couple i was looking at and i think more and more i am feeling that they are sooooo less perfect, it seems so apparent that they would all be having conflicts, more serious conflicts than we ever had to face. Yet they just keep going, not considering these conflicts as a reason for not to be together. I feel it's just commitment that keeps relationships going.
I wish we had that in us.
I still feel what she did with me was wrong. It was very difficult to tell everyone about it. I have also become the first one in family to have a broken engagement. Mama weren't happy, mom has to answer so many people. I did make a fool of myself, again. I know somewhere it's my mistake too. Had i been more mature, i probably could have saved it.
But at this point, i also know, i dont want to get back with her again.
I miss her sometimes, wishing things were different. But i know that they are not and probably this is the new destiny now as it has unfolded.
Bangalore, Dawrani & Growing up
This is my fav part, i wanted to tell you about bangalore.
I was in bangalore this whole week. I have become a good explorer now =D. I went to chennai first and then to Bengalore. Met dawran after a really long time and really lot of missed chances and lot of efforts.
I think we had one of the best time this time.
He has shifted near to indiranagar now. We went for late night walks in indiranagar, i went for a long walk with shikha bhabi also.
I would go to wework in day, he would go to office and we'll unite in evening and talk about stuff and order food. I tried sooo many things this time, got good food every single time.
Weekend was great, we would pick up the scooty and roam around. Crossing beautiful caffes, stopping anywhere we like and grab something and continue going. We talked a lot this time.
And i love growing up, i realized we are so much more thoughtful now. We are able to dig deeper insights, understand things at deeper level rather than just the surface.
We talked about startups, understood how differentiation is the key to branding. We decided to write everyday about give and take "What i received from the society today, and what did i give back". And about Happy And Sad things - "Write one thing that made you happy today or one thing you liked and one thing that you disliked". We also decided that we would donate significantly every year now. It makes so much sense to give back to the society.
We went to a startup meet.
We went to MG road, i think i can say that i went to the best book shop i have ever been to till now.
Bangalore has serenity, greenery and good vibes. I didn't see any huge traffic there. It's more calm than Hyderabad. Its beautiful.
I think i should shift there.
Some other updates
Kiot is going through a tough time 🙁. I have no idea right now, how we’ll sail through this time, but we have to.
I cant see any easy solution to this problem. Practical life is justttt sooo hard sometimes. We cant just hit reset.
I am still not mature enough to know how to navigate in such times. 🙁
Ok that's all for now.