#6 November 19, 2023



Dear Diary,

Addictions; a pathway to destruction of one's soul. Feelings of lust which are overpowering oneself, one's mind and one's thoughts. Given in to that feeling multiple times, given in to this illusion of someone making one feel high, given in to this feeling of someone making one feel good, while them being just an illusion. Overstimulated by the pixels running through the screen where someone is actively engaged in getting stimulated by a real being. One wants to feel emotionless, one wants to feel thoughtless, even if it's for some seconds. One wants to feel how climax feels like, one wants to experience how the presence of someone else would make them feel. One wants to feel connected to a real being, not to the illusion of the being one created. One wants to feel how it feels to be with a real being, how it feels to be intimate, how it feels to be touched by the one one loves and is loved by, unconditionally with one's perceived shortcomings or mistakes. One wants to feel how it feels to synchronise one's breath with that of someone else. One wants to feel how it feels to pleasure someone else. One wants to feel how it feels to make someone else feel high, thoughtless. One craves a touch of a real being, a being close to one's heart, but unfortunately that real being isn't present. One creates this illusion of a being one feels love for, one imagines being touched by this illusioned being, one imagines touching this illusioned being. One imagines all of it and pleasures oneself. Does it make one feel like one is on the top of the world? Does it make one feel like one is thoughtless for a second or two? Does it make one feel like one is emotionless for some moments? It does, it does physically, some seconds of thoughtlessness followed by a series of extreme emotions and feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing. Feelings of weakness leading to despair and agony. Angry at oneself, feeling hurt and destroyed by the shame and remorse one feels guilty about which leads one ultimately to feelings of hopelessness. 

These illusions mind has created, are destroying the mind. Does mind know it? Can mind experience the destruction they're causing to the mind? One feels terrible, one feels hatred for oneself, one feels lazy, one procrastinates. One feels awful. One feels destructed by the same illusions mind has created. One wants freedom.