Dear Diary, I haven't taken my medication for 3 days. It's not that I didn't want to, I just forgot. I have taken a dose now, but I started to spiral back into my depression and I am having deep thoughts.
My girlfriend has been with me for over 7 years, and despite my inability to love myself, I believe that she loves me. If it was not for her and our cat I don't think I would be able to wake up in the morning. I can't help but wonder why though, and I don't feel that I show her enough appreciation.
About the most I can do for her is provide for her and try to make her happy, but despite having a full time job I just about have enough money to make ends meet. I feel woefully inadequate, and yet her and the cat are always there to pick me up.
I found myself listening to The Birthday Massacre a lot this week. Their music seems to touch me on another level when I am feeling depressed. The lead singer has a beautiful voice, the bass is nice and deep and the lyrics are haunting and meaningful.
I don't really have any friends outside of work, and even then I don't particularly care about work, but when I am depressed I think about the friends I used to have. If I was optimistic I would say I was the type of person who if you didn't see for years you could still get together with, but that's probably not true. I am horribly socially anxious, I will probably never see many of my friends again, and the people I cherish probably haven't thought about me in years. It's not until writing this that I feel myself getting upset.
I'm finding it difficult lately to find anything of meaning to keep me occupied, and I've turned not-looking-after-myself into an artform. I've had the house to myself this weekend, a good opportunity to do some overdue cleaning, and yet I couldn't. The house is a tip. I watched Django Unchained since my girlfriend doesn't like Tarantino, bought pizza because I couldn't be bothered cooking since it's only me and stayed up late. Then I spent a day modding the Sims 4 only to decide I liked it more without mods, had a bath and slipped into a deep depression, and that summarises my weekend to myself.
I forgot to wash my uniform for work. I'm now debating if I should even go to work in the morning.
Well, my girlfriend will be back home tomorrow and my meds will have kicked in.