Dear Diary,
It's been awhile. Don't worry, I'm not in a bad state this time. Just wanted to note this down so I can get it off my mind.
Funny how I've been living for 24 years and only figured out that writing makes me forget. Wait no, I've known this, that's why I forget everything I note down and get bad grades. LMAO
Anyways, back to the topic. Okay well, just in case I forget why I started feeling this way, I'll mention a brief description of the thingy. So we'll, I read the Tweets (or X's who the fuck knows what they're gonna be called now it's being rebranded to horrible edge lord bullshit).
Well, wishing me to die, saying that you're disgusted cause the thought of missing me crossed your mind. I'm not sure what the people around you, that you think is great people are thinking, but you clearly did not get your closure with me. And self-protectively, I'm scoffing at the fact that you're still affected. Cuz this is exactly who you are. You either make yourself the villain, or you make the other person a villain. In this case, apparently I'm the villain. But unfortunately, you're too much of a coward to confront me. And that's on you.
Well anyways, I shouldn't have read them, but I've had a talk with myself (for like 5 seconds lol) before I went to read them. And decided for the consequences. Which is well, why I'm here.
I'm exactly sure what this feeling is. Hearing your once close friend say they wish you to die, or they want to kill you, along those lines. I guess.... I feel... Hurt? I'm not sure what this is. My sick head scoffed when I read it, going 'haha I see I still affect you, this is what I get'. But that thought, that monologue, can mean so many things. Say it in a happy tone, say it in a sad tone, say it in a angry tone. They all have a different meaning. When I had that thought, I know I said it to protect myself. But from what? Hurt? Disappointment? I'm not too sure. But, am I saying I'm not sure.... To protect myself.... From being weak?
Well, tearing up a lil when typing that last paragraph.
Anyways, suddenly got reminded that recently I've been making the joke 'I don't have friends'. I'm actually not sure. Genuinely feel like it's a joke. But ppl who knows what happened think it's too soon. Idk tho, is it too soon? Am I making the joke cuz I'm hurting?
Okay you know what, I'm writing this now and I genuinely don't think it's too soon lmao. I legit just think it's a funny ass thing to say when choosing furniture cuz it means we won't need to accommodate guests.
Speaking of friends, I'm actually really glad I'm not in the friend group anymore. There seems to be way too much unstable people in there. And finding out the differences and values these ppl have about themselves, about others, about the world, it made sense why I was never comfortable around them. Well, it was less of a 'finding out' but more of a 'admitting that'.
I've always thought that different people can be friends. But after this incident, I truly realise, no is a no. It doesn't have to be a line that can't be crossed. It doesn't have to be the way you're raised. If you don't vibe, you just won't.
To be fair, I guess my personality is hard to have friends. And I guess what I can be glad of is these 5-6 years of being with these bunch of ppl, at least I learned that nothing will truly change. Wasnt comfortable with these ppl from the start, and here I am, still not, and I guess never will be.
But damn, my bf is still being friends with these ppl. It's incredible how he can vibe with both me, and those kind of ppl. Okay to be fair, he vibes with everyone lmao. But damn these ppl are going through shitz and I'm damn glad I'm not there to absorb the shitz they splurting. Ya know, since I need to have my mind positive and happy, away from outside shitz.
Okay anyways, with this out of my mind. Or I guess, sorted out. Next would probably be telling my bf about it, and it'll be off my chest.
Before I end, there's a slight concern right now. I hope it's not one the next time I'm here.
I'm running out of obsessions. Or like, I'm getting bored again. Wait more like, I'm getting bored of my current obsession for this actor, even though I haven't actually finish all the content of him. (Jang Hyuk, if my future self reading this is wondering. Did you actually buy the DVD btw? I doubt u did. Hahahaha)
Well, my mind is saying, let's try to read manga. And after 3 days, I'm bored. Now it's telling me to pick up story writing again. And well, I do have an idea in mind. Maybe writing down scenarios would do it.... But I'm too lazy to write hahahaha. Maybe I'll draw again? Not sure. Played Minecraft just now, felt really good about the texturing and effects. But I can't build for shit XD
Whats concerning is that... When I'm bored... I think a lot....
Let's hope that I won't be bored at the stories in my head. Or else, I'm going to start thinking about life. And that's depressing. And we don't wanna be depressed, do we?
Aight, signing off. Gotta get some sleep while I can.
See ya if I see ya.