Dear Diary,
I am happy that we had good conversations today, i am happy, so happy that she tried to understand me, forgive me for my behaviour. Yeah, so 2 days ago, i got too drunk and i think too excited, we all went for dancing and yeah, i misbehaved, i tried to play with money(offered extra cash to the driver) (Which would have been a fun thing to do with dawrani, but not with Her and Specially when other people are around) and also, Well, also the other thing. I was excited and i was only telling her, how much i love her and telling her that i don't care about the whole world when i am with her, but she.... (my hands don't want to write this, but she feels uncomfortable with this)
God has played another card with me, vo aayi par abhi bhi adhuri.
She is still not there where i am. I dont want to sound complaining to you, but Why this with me now ? Ok, i know, i cant have all the good things. Kuchh na kuchh kami to rahegi hamesha (Kami Feel hoti rahegi hamesha).
Par, me kahna chahta hun, ki shadi nahi tera pyar hi chahiye tha bas...
Udas mat samajhna mujhe, me udas nahi hun, khush hun abhi bhi, ek umeed to he, ki kabhi to use bhi hoga. Aur agar na hua kabhi bhi, to vo bhi meri hi kismat.
We talked about lot of things, i liked how we are getting more comfortable with each other, not keeping secrets, i like calling her My Home. I like how she tried to understand me today. I like that I could tell her sorry, without my ego. I like listening to her. And she kept her hands on my shoulders on the bike today ❤️😍. I have waited for this for soooo long. I can still feel that on my shoulders.
But... She is not there yet, my egoistic mind jump to say that, maybe i should give her space and shut my romance down until she says she is ready. Or maybe i should just say that to her, maybe we are jumping in too soon, we should take time, until she is there too.
But i am learning to silence my egoistic mind and listen to my other mind, which says, that it's great what we have with each other, we do not have any big conflicts, we do connect on many levels, and our relationship is having tremendous progress. And beyond everything, even if she is not there, my love is not the love which demands, i said it earlier, i don't want to win her, i want to loose myself to her. She is my Home.
But anyway, i think, things have been a little fast and with surprises, I need sometime to regroup with myself and to completely accept this, accept how she feels and make myself more mature, a better man. Who she can rely on. Who she can love...
On the other hand, i also know that it is all in just our minds, i can just not feel so heavy about it, chose to take it all light, conclude it with a mental note about what she doesn't like and i don't repeat that again. It can be as simple as that.
No worries, No memories. The now is all that is real.
Goodnight ❤️
With Love
--panda--