I was listening to something that really altered my perspective. When you want to change something, there is of course a series of action that are helpful in that change. But, when it relates to mental state, it needs to change to be "what would it be like to be the person I want to be" - how would it change the actions or way of being to be that person?
And, when I think about a few of these things, it becomes this reframing of "do I want to not fix the issues, or do I want the relationship?" that reframing as an obvious answer.
I then think there are four patterns that result in spiralling/negative/non-constructive behaviour:
1. Insecurity Patterns
2. Wanting to be "Right"
3. Conflict Avoidance
4. Over-thinking / Catastrophising
I think rebuilding those neural pathways for each of these occasions is critical - and the self-talk needed when one of these patterns is identified. I want to explore these in more depth later, but I think some of them are:
1. Does my insecurity stem from something real or imagined? That is, is there evidence that I should feel insecure. Can I just ask a question softly to them to get the reassurance?
2. Is this something that is important enough to argue about? Are we having a constructive discussion? Do I want to be right for my own ego only?
3. Would highlighting a potential issue now reduce the chance of it becoming something bigger in the future? Would they want me to raise small things early? Is this the right time and right headspace to open this discussion?
4. Are these feelings related to what is happening now? Do I think these feelings are related to real-world things? Can I take a step away / splash water on my face / do some exercise? How would that likely make me feel?
Even now, over the last few days I've had some moments of insecurity / the "desire" for reassurance. The desire for the "I love you, I still want to be with you, I choose you (etc.)" - and thats driven because a hard conversation was had. But instead of letting that consume me, i've asked myself:
- Is this real or imagined? Its imagined. That conversation ended with them asking me "do you still love me" and multiple words of affirmation (unprompted) over the last few days.
- Should I ask them for reassurance? No, as its already being provided passively / actively as the above. The reassurance needs to come from within me.