I wanted to spend a moment reflecting on what "reassurance" means - and how I want to address that going forwards. One of the ways in which negative spirals / negative behaviour have "come forward" - is feeling unanchored / un-reassured.
For a while, I think this made sense in the context of historic events. However, now, it is not reflecting any objective truth about the world. Hearing the positive affirmations of "I want to be with you, I love you, I choose you" etc. - is still welcome and reassuring. BUT, its not the kind of deep reassurance that I think was lacking in myself.
Actual reassurance is feeling that level of comfort within you - linking to the issues around acceptance I wrote about previously. I've been trying to sit down into myself and finding the points internally that provide me that sense of being anchored and sense of being assured. Some of that is relationship driven, but its also much wider. I want to keep doing this, because I think its one of the many contributing reasons I've not acted in ways i'm proud of, and has resulted in hurt to others.
I see it in myself - where: (i) a small thing becomes this much wider issue, driven by this insecurity/anxiousness/lack of feeling secure and (ii) not addressing something early because your worried a "no" or negative answer won't be seen well - so the whole issue blows up.
I know as a person I value having words of affirmation said towards me, and want that to continue. But I'm trying to really understand where my own internal anchors come from - such that its consistently self-reassuring absent the external validation.
Exercise: 11KM - painful. But felt good getting through it and showing I can run 3 days in a row for 1hr+
Meditation: Continuing the course in acceptance, can already feel the benefits. Its weird I ever stopped doing this, I use to love this and the feeling of being able to step back from the world and be grounded very quickly, I think is going to be a critical skill going forwards
Books: Haven't started on these yet, might manage to read / start reading one on the train tomorrow.