Alright, let's get it out.
I want to get drunk. I want to feel nothing. I want to be numb. I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to have thoughts.
We went back and forth a bit this morning and then I blocked her on everything. Facebook, TikTok, even Venmo. Blocked her number from my phone and then deleted the contact. I want the pain to go away. I want it to stop so bad. I need to learn from this. I need to grow. I need to make something come of it. I have to. Otherwise it's just pain for pain's sake and I can't accept that.
All things considered I'm doing better than I should be. I mean, it'll almost certainly get worse the farther we get into the night, but I was pretty okay today overall. I should have been worse than I was. Last night was rough, but this morning is when I blocked her. I still worked a decent bit, I went to the gym. I wasn't able to stay long, but I still went. I emptied the dishwasher, walked Luna this morning, took care of myself and the house. I'm yet to spiral, which is a good sign. I mean let's see how the night goes but as of now I'm doing better than I really should be. Maybe the meds are helping more than I thought? And only one real suicidal urge over the last 24 hours which I consider a win. A win is a win. We take those. I think it was when I was coming out of the gym, which makes sense. It has a way of making me worse when I'm already in a bad space weirdly enough. I mean, if I don't go it'll ruin me, but if I do go when I'm not well it almost always makes it worse unless I can somehow manage to get through an entire one and a half hour working with nothing but my thoughts (and that's rare when I'm bad). It's a catch 22. A rock and a hard place. So I cut it short and as I was walking out to my car I wanted to die. But that's showbiz baby.
All I want to do is talk about her, but she's the last thing I want to talk about. How do I make it stop without making it all stop? I want to make it stop. I just want to make it stop. I just want to make it stop. I just want it to stop.
I just need to focus my energy on other people. I need to make real friendships. I need to increase my social circle in a healthy way. I cannot stay isolated or continue with blurred romantic relationships with people. I need to make genuine connections completely separate from any romantic interests. That is where my energy should go. That is where my focus should go. That is the key. It all washes it away. Isolationism will be the end of me. I sulk and spiral or I become involved with someone that I cannot commit to but completely rely on for all emotional connection and validation that inevitably fails for obvious reasons. Make friends. Meet people for the people they are. Put yourself out there. Be open minded. Be authentic. Be healthy.