January 26, 2023

 

Hey, it's been a bit.


So Ally wanted to hangout tonight but really I think it was just so she could get telling me she's dating someone and it's "kind of serious" or whatever over with. She was shaking after she said it. She said she consulted a lot of people over whether or not to tell me, but she never should have told me. I think she did it more for herself than she did me honestly. I don't think she did it to hurt me, but I also don't think it was truly just for me.


She would tell all of her friends she's seeing someone, but we both know her telling Danielle or Audrey is not at all the same as her telling me. Just because she tells her friends does not mean I'm included in that group because "oh we're just friends". She brought up a timehop like "oh one year ago exactly is when I made Danielle squirt all over the bed". The moment she said that my entire mood and energy shifted. Yes we're friends. Yes we try and act like we would with any other friend. But we have a very long and complicated history where certain feelings are still there. She even acknowledge this tonight. So why bring up Danielle? I don't get it. What if I was like "Oh hey one year ago today I fucked Logan for the first time and she was the first person I ever had sex without besides Cortney, crazy". I could say that to my normal friends no problem, but I'd never say it to her. This kind of thing has happened a number of times with her. I try so hard not to be cynical about it but part of me cannot help but feel that she does it on purpose sometimes or that she feigns ignorance or innocence. It's nice to see someone jealous over you in that way. It's nice to see them get upset in someway at the thought of you being with someone else. Even if you care about that person, there is some form of satisfaction knowing they still care about you. That jealous can be desired and it's pretty easy to skirt the line of what should and shouldn't be said.


She should not have told me she was dating someone else. Part of me can see how she thinks it would be the right thing to do, but would you tell an ex you're with someone else now? Ah, but I'm not an ex. That's right. Of course. Except we only spent 24/7 together and fucked constantly for a year and cried and fought and yelled and laughed. But no, because we never technically dated. Because I never committed I'm a friend and I should be given a heads up she's dating someone? You'd tell a platonic friend out of excitement, you would not tell an ex, but someone in the middle? What do you do then? You know it would hurt them greatly to hear it, but what is the train of thought? That she didn't want me to be blindsided? But isn't completely at random telling me she's dating someone blindsiding me? Why is it so hard for her to understand that I don't want to know a single thing about her romantic life? She insists on remaining friends. Okay, cool. Stop telling me about the time you made Danielle squirt. Stop telling me you're dating someone now. Just fucking come over and watch SNL and laugh for an hour and shut up. I'm the single most private person she's ever going to meet in her life, she knows how much I struggle mentally, she knows the kind of friendship I want, I just don't understand her. I genuinely believe that she and I are fundamentally incompatibly in the most basic form or that she says and does certain things sometimes that do not come from a pure place. I'd almost rather the second be true because then at least I can understand it and explain it all.


I was just thinking about how the last two weeks have been really really good for basically no reason. I'm in a good mood when I wake up, I'm in a good mood at work, I'm just doing pretty good overall for pretty consistently. And then what do you know, Ally walks through my door for the first time in weeks and it all comes crumbling down. Would you look at that.

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